Perfectionism

[Viketory]

Anyone have a little perfectionist in the house?

Jonah has some perfectionist tendencies and is easily frustrated if something doesn't come to him easily. I think it's how he's wired, I've been noticing it for a long time when he tries new things. I notice it can stop him from trying things sometimes and he tends to quit if he struggles. He won't try because he's afraid of failure. If he can't figure it out quickly he has a tough time. I feel like I'm doing what I supposed to, I don't offer praise for everything, I don't want it to become empty to him, but I watch and when I see him try or notice something deserving of praise he gets it.

I've been noticing it lately in games, if he's behind he quits and even if we can get him to keep playing he goofs off.

Rereading what I wrote it looks like he comes from this home with super high demanding parents but I don't think we are at all. He just expects to know things, not need to learn things.

[SusanH]

We have the same problems with our oldest. I've read that it's very common for bright children (and I can tell from your other posts that Jonah is quite bright) to be perfectionists. They are so used to things coming easily to them that it's very hard to cope with something that they have to work at. DH and I both had similar issues as children and we both feel that it held us back from trying new things.

DD will give up in seconds. She would rather refuse to try than have anyone witness her fail. She's very unlikely to challenge herself and she's often dissatisfied with her results.

I don't have a magic cure. We've been working hard on finding her opportunities to push herself. We try very hard to praise the process rather than the results. We gently point out other situations where she had to work to learn a task and how it was hard, but she did it. We talk about how people she sees doing things that look so easy (Olympic gymnasts, professional musicians, etc.) devote hours, days, months and years to perfecting their skills. We point out things we struggle with and how it can take multiple tries to get good at even basic things.

And periodically we completely lose patience with her and do utterly unhelpful things which I won't bother describing.

[Jules]

Well, my DD is a perfectionist, but it stems from insecurity rather than things coming easily to her. She rarely tries anything new because she doesn't want to fail at it, so I am constantly trying to find things that I am sure she'll succeed at to show her trying new things can be a good thing. I have found that since she found something she really enjoys (horseback riding) and is good at, it has boosted her self confidence, but she still gives up on things very easily if she doesn't get it immediately. I just don't know what the answer is, other than to keep trying things and praising her for attempting whatever it is.

[ILmomtobe]

I notice it in ds too. Maybe it's also part that "oldest" thing. He whines that he "can't get it" and quits. I have to remind him when he first started playing Guitar Hero (something he loves, and we obviously didn't MAKE him do), he couldn't play this one song, but he practiced and practiced it (until blood ran from the rest of our ears), and soon he played it perfectly. I have to remind him anything he wants to be good at, even things that aren't fun, need to be practiced.

[Viketory]

I'm doing all of that. He hasn't had the one thing that he can really get that sense of doing good. He likes classes but still struggles with the focus part of it, that's improved a lot over the last six months though so I'm hoping that will work out better for him in the future. Maybe it is just a matter of him really wanting something. I hate to see him get in his own way like that when I know that with time he could do whatever it is he is trying.

[miche]

My second is a perfectionist. He really hates to do anything wrong and would rather not try than get it wrong. But he will practice hard things over and over when no one is watching or listening. He's getting a bit better, but I think he'll always be a perfectionist. For example right now he just finished play dance dance revolution and he wanted help folding the pad. I'm nursing Sophie so I couldn't get up and he was getting very worked up because he thought he wasn't doing it right!

I'm a perfectionist so I understand how he is. There are a lot of good things about being a perfectionist IMO (or so I say to justify myself! )

[Tasca]

My 12 year old DD is like that - she gets it from me, although I've tried so hard not to be like that around her!

My 7 year old on the other hand doesn't give a toss.

[Bridget]

Oh yes, I have one of those. It's my first. She really struggles with this. I feel like I am always reminding her that everything that is difficult becomes easy with practice. I know she gets this, she's taking piano, gymnastics... She's really hard on herself when she doesn't get it right the first time.

Susan, I've been known to offer some of those utterly unhelpful responses out of lack of patience as well.