discipline conflicts with DH/SO

[SusanH]

Do you have them? How do you resolve them? We're in the midst of a big disagreement currently and I'm not really sure how to approach it without blaming or sounding overly critical (naturally I think I'm right, as does he).

Suggestions? Tips? Commiseration?

[Eekee]

We have them pretty frequently. DH is quick to yell and believes in spanking. For my sake, he doesn't spank, but he wants to sometimes.

I try to remind him of how his father made him feel growing up, with the yelling and threats. That usually gets him to be reasonable, at least until the next time.

[KateN]

DH will get edgy and start yelling back and forth with a 3 year old I then remind him about the countless conversations we have had about his brother and how BIL and SIL yell at their kids and how it exculates (sp) every thing. I remind him that he is the adult and needs to stay in control of himself and the situation. Only really had to lay it on the line hard for him one time, now he tries alot hard or will give both he and DS a time out if he needs to calm down before dealing with DS.

[hedra]

1) Re-state that the parent is the grownup, and as a result, we have to adapt to the child, not force the child to adapt to us. (This is a statement almost verbatim from Gabe's pre-K teacher.) We're more flexible, and experienced, and have more high-functioning thinking. Our job, then, is to USE that.

2) Always re-state as a problem-solving session. "We have a problem we need to solve, here. The behavior X is a problem, and we need to find the most effective and least risky way to solve it."

3) State your DH's parenting goals, and ask if you've got them correct. "You want our kids to grow up to be secure, independant, thoughtful, compassionate, creative, strong, and responsbile, is that correct?" Then work backwards from there. Not 'how do we get X behavior to stop' but 'how do we use this current situation to move child closer to those goals?' Note that this is NOT what you just did in step 2, but is a step PAST the item in step 2. You're walking DH out of the 'stop dropping towels in the bathroom!' to the 'be respectful of the people who take care of the house'.

4) For each parenting issue, brainstorm together to get at least four methods of handling it (intentionally include his knee-jerk response, and your knee-jerk response). Have each of you separately (no peeking) write the positive outcomes of each (explicitly - not 'will listen better next time' but 'will promise repeatedly to do better next time' get their ACTUAL reaction, not the 'expected by parent' reaction - double-check each reaction you list for reality based on past performance!). Have each of you list the NEGATIVE (possible) outcomes of each. Again, be really detailed. ('will burst into tears and say he hates you and you don't love him and then flee the room', etc.) THEN, have each of you note whether this has been tried in the past, and whether it has solved the problem (degree of improvement, for how long, etc.). If anything has been done repeatedly (yelling, for example) but the problem remained, then that item is moved to the bottom of the list. If any of the outcomes look worse than the initial problem, or worse than the benefits merit, those go just above the 'didn't work' ones. Look at what you're left with. If there's nothing on the list that wasn't 'bad', then brainstorm some more.

5) For children over 5, bring them into discussions of how to prevent X behaviors, or stop those behaviors in the process. Not about punishments, about PREVENTION, and brakes-ons. So far, our kids have been incredibly successful at coming up with better management methods for everything from boots on the floor to dawdling at bedtime to not finishing homework. They'll tell you up front that they need a reminder if they need a reminder (make it a REMINDER, not yelling), or if they need more time to do a task, or more reminders of time schedule (Gabe needs much more frequent time reminders than we think, for example), or a count-down clock, or a better place to work in, or fewer distractions, or company in the task, etc. Brendan usually needs company in a task to get something done. He's just a 'group' animal. So, he'll clean if someone else is cleaning with him. He'll brush his teeth with absolute grace if he can be showing his sisters how to brush theirs at the same time. Gabe likes companionship for tasks, but lack of distraction is more important. All of these ideas were from THEM, not us. Ask!

Good luck. We don't do most of these formally, but we do them in conversation, at this point. Like, if I use a comparison to a sibling to get Brendan to try something (food), DH will say 'whoa, is that the best way get the results you want? Are there some negatives to that, that you don't want to put into play?' (almost exact quote, there). He says so calmly, without rancor, but in the moment (unless there's a big issue at hand). I'll stop, note the error to the child, and re-frame my response. It works as well the other way, though usually DH is angry at the time, and has to be backed down from being angry to the point where he can think rationally again. "Is this helping the long-term goal?" is my usual question to get him to back down and re-frame.

Also, keep in mind that in the moment, a lot of people try to get their kids to feel what they're feeling - scared is a common one (scared they're going to grow up and fail somehow because of X, usually), and that tends to lead to yelling or hitting type management of problems. Stepping back and seeing the big picture is a way of getting away from the scared thing - mostly, our kids are good kids, who are just the age they are, and they'll outgrow most of this stuff on their own. If we're concerned about the goals, teaching and prevention are 99% of the task, and punishment/reaction are 1%.

Hope that helps!

[hedra]

Or, our shorthand.

All activities in our house must meet these requirements:

Safe, respectful, kind.

In addition, where there is more than one path that might be all of those, it should also be Prudent.

This goes for parenting choices, as well! (!!!) So, if we're teaching 'safe, respectful, kind', then we must MODEL 'safe, respectful, kind'. Our methods of managing our differences over parenting are 'safe, respectful, and kind' - to EACH OTHER, and the outcomes must be 'safe, respectful, kind' to the kids, too.

And prudent. Always prudent, too!

And yeah, we blow it regularly. But we're getting better, every day.

[1Dawn]

Hedra I love you Finish that darn book before my little brother and his wife have a baby

Dh and I are having issues. He hasn't been much of a parent because he was gone or working insane hours for most of the kids lives. Now he lets me handle it and because he is now around more the kids seperate and divide. He is wanting now to step up to the task but I am now not all that comfortable with him doing it. I don't have a real answer yet for dealing with 14 year old ds and an inexperienced dh. I am going to try Hedra's short cut with dh. "Safe, respectful and kind".

Stepping back from parenting has always been hard for me. Just as for dh stepping in is harder. Learning to parent is a constant work in progress around here!

Dawn

[Gayesy]

It is really tough! This is one of the main reasons my last relationship didn't work. All I can suggest is a calm discussion with just the two of you listening to each other, and see if you can reach some sort of consensus. Good luck.

[Debra]

So far we've been lucky. No big conflicts. Occasionally reminders (as in "I read that wasn't a good idea can we try this?" or "I thought we were trying this way?").

Our world is a little different though. Since Dh works as a youth worker we talked about discipline and structure and children for YEARS before we had one. The key is open respectful conversation, before, after, during an incident -- all the time. Of course it probably helps that to some degree I know that right now dh compromises more to my side, knowing that when Hunter gets older I will compromises to his tried and true teenager techniques (hopefully most of which we won't have to use!).

Parenting conflicts are the worst and the hardest. Even making the effort to be on the same page is a lot more then tons of parents do!

[summergirl]

My DH and I are pretty much on the same page and we don't disagree about anything I would consider alarming (spanking, in my book) but often times I find that the best way to "teach" dh to come around to my way of parenting is to let him do what he wants and then learn from his outcome that perhaps that wasn't the best way to handle the situation.

So if I see DH going down a bad path with one of the kids (usually by fueling whatever the struggle is by trying to force them into things and creating a big ol' power struggle) I let him do it. It will become a nightmare, but it's his nightmare and I step out. Afterwards, I will commiserate with him over how hard it is to know how to handle tough situations and offer a better way as a suggestion for next time. Generally, he takes me up on it and I see improvement.

I guess I am of the opinion that for him to learn he has to go through trial and error in his own way, watching responses and taking feedback from me, rather than direction. My DH is a kind man. My kids are nothing if not resilient. Parenting is an inexact science. Learning curves are long. I'm with my kids for so many more hours of the day that naturally I've been through a lot more learning with them. But, in our family, I can't impose that on my DH. I have to support him in stumbling, and help him figure out better ways for himself.

If I dictate, he'll shut me down. But if I demonstrate and make suggestions, he'll come around. Also, by not interfering with conflicts he has taken on, I'm not (I hope) sending mixed messages to the kids.

No idea if that helps, but thought I'd throw it out there.