How do you respond to CIO suggestions

[acorn]

I know that I've seen similar threads...but I didn't need it then! My in-laws are pretty good about keeping opinions to themselves about parenting. Except...we keep getting comments about letting Neil cry. Occasionally I've managed to set myself up for the comment (e.g. yesterday I managed to say something about wishing that Neil slept better--kicked myself afterward--but even people who do CIO often will say the same thing), but usually it isn't in response to any comment that I've made. For example, Neil often rouses about 1 hour after he goes to sleep for the night. We head off to his room very fast because we've learned that catching him early works best. We immediately get "you should just let him cry, he'll stop in a few minutes". So far, my response has simply been that that doesn't work with Neil. I feel so wimpy saying that because, though it's sort of true (I have let him cry 5-10 minutes a couple of times when I was at the end of my rope and was on my own), it isn't the real reason we don't do it. The last time I was regaled with how my SIL did CIO, and her son only cried one night. I just don't know how to answer since I feel like giving my real opinion of CIO will be taken as saying that DH's sister is wrong. I did end up grumping that I wouldn't do it to DH so I wasn't going to do it to Neil.

Any good suggestions for a "broken record" response that I can give? Non-confrontational, true, and a conversation ender?

[Claar]

Here's one I have used frequently: "There are probably lots of people out there who are able to do it (let their baby CIO) and with success, but I simply can't". By saying can't rather than won't you make it sound like a non-rational decision. IMO it is a great "broken record" response because you don't really start a discussion, you do not speak badly about anyone (except maybe yourself, showing your weakness which is a strength anyway), and they can't raise an argument against it.

[SusanH]

I would go with something incredibly short and simple, followed by a not too subtle change of topic:

"Thanks for the suggestion. What's for dinner?"

"Yes, I've heard of that approach. What's for dinner?"

"That's not something I'm interested in, thanks. What's for dinner?"

"Yes, I know some people really like that method. What's for dinner?"

"It's sweet of you to want to help. What's for dinner?"

"I'm glad it worked out for them. What's for dinner?"

"Thanks, but DS really doesn't have the right temperament for that to work. What's for dinner?"

You could go into your reasons if you feel like it, but it is true that many will take even the mildest reason for not doing it as criticism. Hint: if they keep at it, you can add the "What's for dinner?" tagline on at a completely inappropriate time of day, like 9 am, to help make your point.

[Rainbow]

Originally Posted by SusanH

I would go with something incredibly short and simple, followed by a not too subtle change of topic:

"Thanks for the suggestion. What's for dinner?"

"Yes, I've heard of that approach. What's for dinner?"

"That's not something I'm interested in, thanks. What's for dinner?"

"Yes, I know some people really like that method. What's for dinner?"

"It's sweet of you to want to help. What's for dinner?"

"I'm glad it worked out for them. What's for dinner?"

"Thanks, but DS really doesn't have the right temperament for that to work. What's for dinner?"

You could go into your reasons if you feel like it, but it is true that many will take even the mildest reason for not doing it as criticism. Hint: if they keep at it, you can add the "What's for dinner?" tagline on at a completely inappropriate time of day, like 9 am, to help make your point.

I love this approach only I use "Want some bean dip?" Its great especially if there is NO bean dip anywhere near you, much like "whats for dinner?" at 9am.

[acorn]

Originally Posted by SusanH

You could go into your reasons if you feel like it, but it is true that many will take even the mildest reason for not doing it as criticism. Hint: if they keep at it, you can add the "What's for dinner?" tagline on at a completely inappropriate time of day, like 9 am, to help make your point.

LOL, the scary thing is that I bet it would go straight over MILs head. She's great at talking but not so great at listening.

[justrose]

I have always said "Yeah, I know some people do that, but we don't like the idea".

Usually people are so shocked they leave me alone.

With family who won't let it rest, I go into a bit more, explaining that I feel that it is cruel and leads to anxiety for the child. For the really prying, I mention that my sisters and I were all left to CIO (for hours ) and all of us have attachment issues and anxiety and problems sleeping.

My 3 yo old DS was just evaluated by the school district for his IEP. It was mentioned that he has sleep issues (which have improved greatly over the summr, FWIW) and the nurse assigned to our case got all huffy and defensive when we told her that we weren't going to take her CIO advice.

Pat and I just calmly stated that we didn't feel that CIO was a good fit with his personality and lack of communication skills (he wouldn't be able to tell us if he was wet/hungry/sick etc). Staying calm and unemotional helps.

[miss meg]

Lurking -

I was blunt with suggestions about CIO. I simply told the nosy busybodies (mainly my MIL) that the one time I tried that tactic, ds very quickly made himself sick all over his crib . I would rather soothe a crying baby for an hour than clean up vomit.

Generally stops any further interest in that particular conversation.

[Djhdo]

I always said that I read some studies saying that unneccesary crying (CIO) can reduce a baby's self-esteem and that (or lack of self-esteem) follows him all through his life. It might be true, it might be false, but I personally am not willing to risk it. They can decide if baby's have self-esteem and what it means or doesn't mean -- they might think you are crazy. However, it has stopped everyone I've told it too.

[mtwarog]

I've always said, "I know that works for some people but it doesn't work for us." If they continue I just respond with "I seriously doubt they'll still be sleeping with us when they go to college."

Of course, nobody I've talked to believes me, they just think I'm "spoiling" my kids. To which I respond - "meat spoils, you can't spoil kids." This pretty much shuts them up.

What I really want to say is that it makes me sick to think of small children left alone and frightened/sick/hungry/etc in the dark and crying.

What I really want to know is WHY is everyone in the world so concerned about where MY(or your) kids sleep??? And WHY is it their business to "fix" it??

[Terrilein]

My standard answer is to say "I don't know a healthy adult who can't ___." And I just fill in the blank with whatever is necessary at the moment like walking (sling issues), eating (feeding solids, extended nursing), sleeping and potty training, just to name a few. It works pretty well for me because it shows them that in the long run all kids meet their milestones at their own pace.