logical consequence users

[SusanH]

Do you ever use illogical consequences? Do you feel bothered by that? Any suggestions for what a logical consequence would be for hitting, yelling, shouting "I don't like you" and/or kicking? All of the aforementioned lovely behaviors come courtesy of her new, somewhat younger friend.

I'm at a loss for what is logical and have fallen back on a more totalitarian approach - if she does any of the above, she loses treats for that day (i.e., anything containing refined sugar). Or the next day if she's already had her treats. I asked Susy for an alternative, as she is very upset by this rule, and she said the only thing she could think of was going to jail. I'm thinking no treats is better than incarceration, but would love to hear other suggestions.

If it helps to have more background - she hasn't hit or kicked since she was two, but she has a friend who does all of these things and she's clearly imitating. She watches us carefully while doing it, gauging our reaction. We tried talking about it, which accomplished absolutely nothing, and so I decided on the "mean behavior = no treats" rule. I'd rather something more closely connected to the behavior, though, as this isn't entirely working. And I'm really not a fan of reward charts and stickers, as I want her to behave because it is right, not because she gets a shiny prize for not being mean.

[novajet]

I have no advice, but I'm LOL at her alternative.

[CodeNameMom]

ITA with the other response.

[ElizabethN]

I think the no treats actually is sort of a logical consequence, if you cast it correctly. "Hitting hurts Mommy. When you hit Mommy, she doesn't feel like doing special things for you like making/letting you have treats."

[dbivens]

Separate the ones that are fighting and isolate temporarily regardless of who started it. Don't play favorites but follow through quickly and fairly.

[SusanH]

I forgot to mention that DH and I are the only ones she is hitting, yelling at or kicking.

[justrose]

I would say, "Ouch. I don't like being hit/kicked. I am going to move away from you until you are ready to be kind". Then walk away.

If she is verbally attacking you, I would say "Those words hurt my feelings. I don't care to listen to that" and again, walk away.

Not giving her the attention she is looking for is a logical consequence, IMO... and you acknowledge the behavior, so she clearly understands why you are upset.

[dbivens]

In that case, ^ patnrose stated what I agree with.

[Satya]

Well, I use time outs occasionally. Glen hates sitting by himself, so it works. And this is logical to me because why do we want to sit around and let him kick or hit us? We're not going to let that happen. So, if he wasn't being nice, he could sit by himself for a few minutes. (side note: he's only hit me once...one timeout cured us of hitting...for the time being!)

But, I think as parents we've got to use consequences that work for a particular child. What's important to the child? If the treats are important then she'll be sufficiently motivated not to hit etc. The only problem with that is that is it isn't necessarily an immediate consequence. I prefer something immediate.

[skm]

As for the "I don't like you", dd has recently started saying similar things and I point out to her that it's rude/impolite and tell her she should be more polite. If she's saying it in response to something I've done that she doesn't like I also rephrase it for her into "I understand you don't like that mommy took the book/toy/etc. away" to teach her to more accurately express her feelings. However, if your dd is simply doing it to get a rise out of you, I'd try telling her that if she means what she says then you shouldn't spend time with her and then walk out of the room and do your own thing.