AP Hot Topic: APing the Older Child

[SusanH]

Many Attachment Parenting books and articles are geared towards infancy and early toddlerhood, with an emphasis on babywearing, breastfeeding, gentle discipline and bedsharing. How do you find yourself adapting the philosophy of AP to your older preschoolers, children and teenagers? Is there such a thing as Attachment Parenting for older children?

[hedra]

Definitely. Gabe is 7 (in 2 weeks), and he certainly still needs to have his needs met, and changing the rules of how to meet them to something totally different would be kind of cruel, IMHO. There are more boundaries, rules, and requirements at the older ages, they have to wait their turn, consider the circumstances, and apply the approach in return to the rest of the family, too... but attachment - his need to know that we are there for him - is still fundamental. And it will be his whole life, I'm sure.

Being there for his needs shows up in different ways, now, too. There's a big part that says 'you can come back and touch-down with me, and know you are safe and loved', but there's also a big part that says 'you can fly on your own, I'll just be here to catch you if you fall'. That's the part I didn't get as a kid - my parents made it clear that I could back off from something challenging if it was 'too scary', but never made it clear that their role included being there for me as I tried new things, whether I got them right the first time or not. As a result, I ended up being VERY hesitant to try new things, challenge myself, even when I really really wanted to try it. At this age, I'm more of Gabe's backup courage... when he's feeling that he can't do something, that something is too challenging, beyond his ability, that's when I let him know that A) we've all been there (the reflection of experience that in early childhood was 'oh, I know you are sad, I understand!' is now 'I've felt intimidated by a big challenge, too'), and B) If he tries it, and doesn't succeed, our love for him is no different... and he can still try again, and again, and learn to do it, and we'll be here just as much for the whole process. We'll listen to his hurt at not succeeding, and we'll be his baseline for jumping back into the effort when he's done feeling hurt.

There's a lot more to it than that, of course, and the subtlety increases as they get older. But just because he's older doesn't mean he needs us less, just he needs us differently. Plus, when he's tired or sick, his age still reverts younger, and he needs the same things he always has, from physical comfort to a listening ear to someone who will respond to his needs with an awareness that they still are NEEDS, not wants, and deserve a response.

[Maribeth]

bump

[1Dawn]

It is a progression from attachment to individuality. They feel safe enough in themselves to not need you as much. And safe enough with you to come when life gets too scary. The number of times they come for help gets less as they get older but when they do come it is very important and sometimes scary but the point is they feel safe and comfortable enough to know when they need help or guidance.

[Laurisa]

I am just reaching the older preschooler stage. I am finding AP still a very natural fit. It is still about meeting your child's needs especially their need to test boundaries and treating them with respect.


Jonas has just started a particular whining phase. It is like finger nails on a chalk board! Just on the verge of losing it I managed to explain that using a nice voice is easier and had him try it. Even he said that was better.

[dessismama]

Meeting the needs of each child again and again... these needs just change with time. Meeting their need for emotional closeness and support remains the centerpiece of my relationship with my children.

With my oldest DD figuring out her needs is half the battle. She has a hard time realizing what her needs are ...

I am still trying to do my best with each child as I see their personalities emerge. It is an amazing process!!

[Maribeth]

Check out our latest article in the AP cubby:

Long Term Attachment Parenting by Lisa Poisso
Are AP groups and ideas a thing of the past now that your little ones are big kids (or even – gasp! -- teenagers) and you’re no longer breastfeeding and diapering? Are you an attachment parenting graduate (or drop-out)? Attachment parenting is not just for babies – and you don’t have to stop as your kids grow older! Lisa Poisso explains. [Click Here]

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