Family & Friends - What's Helpful & What's Not

[Maribeth]

I'm compiling a list for family & friends of what's helpful to say and what's not helpful for bereaved expectant parents or parents expecting after infertility treatments. In other words when you're pregnant after a loss or infertility.

For example, I absolutely hated to hear that the statistics were in my favor of the same thing not happening again. Wellllllllllllll, when you've been that 1 in a million, statistics and odds don't mean a darned thing. And, I wanted to slap anyone who dared to ask me why I wasn't so excited to be pregnant again (I was glad but TERRIFIED).

So, let it all out Let's put together a list to help those people we have to be around during a subsequent pregnancy or pregnancy after infertility. I'll put it in the PAILS of Hope Cubby.

THANKS!
Mari

[hedra]

For me, one of the best things was for people to take it a day at a time WITH me. So many people kind of wince, hedge, or say, well, so far so good, I guess... like they're waiting for things to fail. UGH. I feel that way myself enough, I don't need more people leaning on it that way. Taking it one day at a time, enjoying what I've got today, and recognizing that I have no control for tomorrow are a help. I nearly cried (happily) when a coworker said she was glad I told her 'early', and I was pregnant today, I should darned well enjoy being pregnant today, because there wasn't anything I could do about tomorrow but put it in God's hands.

I also prefer people to ask me how I'm doing, but do so without that wince. If you want to know, ask, if you don't really want to know, don't ask, just smile at me. My boss regularly asks how I'm doing, but he doesn't wince. He just asks. Some days are better than others, but he asks regularly even though he knows sometimes the answer isn't great. He doesn't take the bad days personally, so it doesn't end up being 'his problem', at the same time as he doesn't leave it 'my problem' alone, either.

I also don't need to forget - not like I could, anyway. All my experiences are part of my life, they don't vanish just because they aren't happening today. It is nice for my SILs to ask about what they don't know - how has this affected your feelings about being pregnant? Does it make it harder? At least if they ask, I know 1) they actually care, and 2) they aren't making assumptions based on what they think they might do under the same conditions (which might well be wrong for me).

[Maribeth]

Updating list:

This is a list of suggestions for when you are PREGNANT after loss or infertility. What helped you when you conceived again or conceived after infertility treatments? These pregnancies are never as innocent or blissful as they are for a first time mom so let's build a list of what family and friends can do to help us get through it.

(suggestions for what helps after a loss goes in the Support for Losses forum please)

THANKS!

[ajpr2]

Originally Posted by Maribeth

For example, I absolutely hated to hear that the statistics were in my favor of the same thing not happening again. Wellllllllllllll, when you've been that 1 in a million, statistics and odds don't mean a darned thing. And, I wanted to slap anyone who dared to ask me why I wasn't so excited to be pregnant again (I was glad but TERRIFIED).

I completely agree with these.

I will add:

• Do not tell me how being pregnant again will make everything better.
• Do not tell me that having another child will take away my pain and grief. That pain and grief will always be there.
• Do not tell me that now I will have my replacement. I lost my child. Not a book.
• Do not tell me that I am wrong to not be happier that I am pregnant. In fact, I am pretty angry that I have to do this again. I should have been thinking of planning a 1st birthday party. Not my birthing plan.
• Stop telling me that everything happens for a reason. There is never a reason for anyone to bury a child.

It's hard to believe that it has been 7 years and I can still answer these like it was yesterday.

[kianurse]

Don't tell me that this pregancy will be easier than the last one.
If you volunteer to help while on bedrest please follow through.
Stop telling me that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in full term delivery.
Please if your birth story was not a happy and safe one..DONT SHARE to Scare me..Life does that enough.
And finally please don't say see this pregnancy was ment to be....what where the other three then?

Thank you Merideth for letting me just find a place to voice this.
Elle

[Tami C]

After losing 2 babies in a row, when we told my mother we were expecting again, her exact words were "Well, I'm going to wait to get excited until we know you're going to carry this one to term."

That baby didn't make it either. When I got pregnant the next time (that child is now 7 1/2 years old) we didn't tell her until I was almost 25 weeks along. I will never forget what she said. It felt like she was dooming us to failure.

I wish people hadn't been so afraid to be happy for us. It was so hard for us to be happy for ourselves, having to pump everyone else up was exhausting. We needed the love and support of our friends. We didn't know what day would be the last of our pregnancy, whether it would be at 40 weeks and end with a baby or at 17 weeks and end with another loss.