Happy endings scary?

[CodeNameMom]

ok, I am confused... I finally got what I wanted. I got pregnant, made it to term, had a wonderful delivery, and I have a healthy baby. Every one is asking me if I will try again... I know the answer is yes, but is it normal to fear next time? 2 m/c's and some scary moments in DD's pregnancy where we didn't know if she would make it... I really want more by like 2-3 spaced out by 1-3 yrs but is it normal after a loss to wonder if you can have more happy endings? Do I make since?

[bonkabonka]

I think once you've had a loss that it is probably normal to fear any future pregnancies. I've passed the point I m/c, and I still freak out quite a bit. I imagine I will probably also be scared in any future pregnancies I have.

(((Hugs)))

[ajpr2]

I think the fear will always be there. The important thing is what you do with that fear. Do you over come it, or do you let it win?

((hugs)) It is never easy.

[franros]

For me the fear will always be there because we don't know if what Ben had was genetic and we could pass it on to another child. We feel like we dodged the bullet this time, but every pregnancy will create the same anxiety.

[Maribeth]

Amanda,

For me, the decision to have another child after finally having a healthy baby was harder because it was more of a "decision." With Eric, I knew that I had to keep trying if I wanted to have a baby (where we were living at the time, adoption was nearly impossible without a 10 year wait). So, for Eric, it was "if that's what you want, you have to keep trying."

After he was born, it was a decision. I had a healthy baby. Did I want to go through another high risk pregnancy and bedrest, this time with a toddler? When he was born, he was very sick and nearly died. I told my husband enough already. I wasn't doing it again. When Eric was 6 weeks old, my dh and I were so afraid he'd be absolutely spoiled rotten if we didn't have another baby that we threw away the birth control. LOL.

As for the fear with that subsequent subsequent pregnancy - it was easier in "some ways" . . . 1) I was so busy with a toddler that I didn't have time to dwell on my fears as much as I did before; 2) even if I had lost that pregnancy (and I did end up losing a twin), I still wouldn't be childless because I had Eric. That was my biggest fear for those 8 1/2 years I spent trying to have a baby - that I would never get to be a mother. That fear wasn't there when I was pregnant last time.

I know there were times I wondered if I was asking for too much or if I was too greedy or selfish to want another baby. For me, once that innocence was gone with my losses, I just over analyzed everything and questioned everything. I never felt secure that I'd have another happy ending.

The good thing was with my last child, I did even more healing. We did lose his twin. But I got to bring Chad home from the hospital with me (something we didn't get to do with Eric because he was born very sick). Watching these two play together all these years and now grow up to be best friends is AMAZING (yes, my 14.5 y.o. and my 16 y.o. are BEST friends). Deciding to have another baby was the BEST decision we ever made.

Wow, I do ramble when I post in this forum. I must sound like a lunatic

Mari

[JM]

You make perfect sense and actually I am alot more fearful this time round than with DS as I feel I am 'pushing my luck'.

[Maribeth]

JM,

I think for a lot of women who have experienced losses, it's almost as if we think it's the norm for us to lose a baby rather than the norm being having a healthy baby. I've seen that trait in a lot of women who lose their first babies especially. Once that innocence is gone, it's really hard to feel secure and confident in future pregnancies - not impossible, but tough.

My usual advice is when your desire for a baby is stronger than your fear (even if it's by an eyelash), you're ready to try again. It works for subsequent subsequent pregnancies too.

Hugs,
Mari

[CodeNameMom]

Thanks. That is so true! When desire for another over rides the fear... That is what has to be done.

[JM]

Mari

I am expecting my third baby now, it is only early days but my desire to have another was certainly stronger than the fear

LOL

[Maribeth]

This is a nice thread I'd like to archive for the PAILS cubby. Anyone have anything to add?

Hugs!
Mari