Moms of Teens: Difficult Friends Hot Topic

[Maribeth]

Moms of Teens: Have your teen's difficult friends been a problem for you and what have you done about it?

I just posted a new article in the parenting teens cubby called, "What to Do When Your Teen Chooses Bad Friends." I have a few quibbles with the article but I do agree with the points about getting to know your kids' friends. Many times I've been surprised in that I've *assumed* some erroneous things and the kids are much better than I thought. I also agree that by getting to know the kids, they respect me much more and that does help.

Trashing the kid also backfires whereas talking about the kid's behavior gets the point across in a more positive way. Often, my Chad will inform me that he's the positive influence on the kid and I need to trust that. Hard to come up with a comeback for that besides be careful and smart.

What your thoughts?

[1Dawn]

I haven't really had to deal with this yet. My teens friends are all really nice kids. This summer dd went to summer school and she learned many things and made some "friends" there. Blessedly they don't go to the same school as her or I would be concerned. Summer school has a big percentage of troubled kids in it. I will not send her again if at all possible. She knew they were troubled and used them as a learning experience. Quite frankly they are the kind of kids you would much rather be friendly with than not.

I think discussing friends should start long before the teen years though. I have always told my children that all people are to be respected. I also think that having friends with similar goals and life aspirations as you helps you attain them. If your friends goals are to go to college for instance, school will be important. If you chose friends who have goals of where to score drugs, school won't be important.

My 10 year old has a friend I am not thrilled with. I monitor them closely and never let ds go to his house. I just don't trust the child, his brothers (there seems to be many) and I don't trust his parents at all. The boy acts ok here in my house or I call him on it. He respects me and knows I watch ds and him like a hawk. He still comes so it must bother him too much.

Dawn

[KariLynn]

My teen daughter could be the poster child for this topic!

I well remember the discussions we had about her choice of friends, even down to the argument she made that she was a "good influence" on them, and that it was shallow and judgmental of me to try and restrict who she made friends with...even though she admitted those friends were the drinking/drugging crowd. Whenever I tried to institute some limitations on her interaction with them she would stay with her Dad. It finallly got to where she didn't want to be hassled by me and my rules anymore and she moved in with Dad permanantly.

But - life has a way of dealing out lessons. A few months after she moved out of my house she was with some of these "friends", and was arrested. This was at 1 am, and 30 miles from where she was supposed to be. (Of course her Dad had no idea that she was there!!) The upshot if it was that she was arrested, and because of a couple of other stupid decisions on her part she spent a few nights in juvenile, had to perform community service, and now and won't get her license until she turns 18. All because of some stupid decisions and hanging with the wrong people. Since that incident she's shown MUCH better judment in who she spends her time with.

[Maribeth]

Refreshing topic - would like to archive for our parenting teens cubby so would love more feedback. And I will change names to protect the innocent

[Tami C]

I think I must be the luckiest mother on earth, because I like my sons friends. This summer, two of them put in 50 hours each volunteering with him at Cub Scout camp, all for the fun of hanging out with the kids and getting a free water bottle and purple t-shirt.

Thru the years, I think there may have been a couple of kids I kept a closer eye on than others. But my son gave me the same speech - "Mom, when they hang with me they aren't hanging with the druggies, so that's good." So when these kids were here, they were good, and when they left, I said a little prayer that Jeff's stand-up-ness rubbed off on them.

I recall one birthday party when Jeff had some buddies sleep over in the tent in our yard with the big tv and the game systems, and two of the boys just rubbed each other wrong all evening. I took Jeff aside and told him to speak to them both and let them know that for as long as they were here, no foul language, no fighting, and no taking off from the yard. Any of that behavior would result in me calling their mothers and having them taken home. Jeff must have put the fear of Mom in them, because they were the best behaved kids the rest of the night.

[ILmomtobe]

I agree that this issue crops up long before teen years. I think it's just that more is at stake in the teen years. I've been struggling with a fairly good kid--ok, he's got some boundary issues--whose home life is sucktastic. Nothing abusive, just not nurturing or really respecting the kid's individuality. Things may go badly as he gets older, so I have to let him only play at our house, no ds going to his. The only problem is when ds is gone, and kiddo wants to come over, lol.