Feeling anxiety about doing it again.

[Punkin'sMommy]

I thought I was ready to do this again but lately I've been having lots of anxiety. I gave birth to my DD 8 1/2 months ago and am now 2 months pg with my second. My first labor and delivery was a really frightening experience. I had educated myself, practiced the Bradley Method with DH and was really committed to natural childbirth. Well, nothing went according to plan. My contractions started 5 minutes apart and lasted a minute to a minute and a half and were incredibly intense from the very start. I went to the hospital and after 17 hours never dialated past 2cm. My Dr broke my water to see if that would move things along - nothing. I became so exhausted emotionally and physically that I was boardering on delerious. The dr talked to my DH and mom about giving me an epidural to try and relax me to see if that would give me some rest and hopefully help me dilate. They agreed - I don't even remember the discussion. I got the epidural but it only took on one side but it was enough relief that I fell asleep for two hours. When I woke up I was 10cm and pushed for 2 1/2 hours before my DD was born. However, she was a meconium birth and was wisked away - I didn't get to see her for hours because I couldn't walk from the darn epidural. Also because she aspirated meconium, I didn't get to bf for two days.

The whole experience was really terrifying and I thought time would ease the pain and memories but it hasn't. In fact, now that I'm pg again, I'm so terrified of having the same thing happen again. In fact if it was up to DH, he'd have me get an epidural in the parking lot just to avoid any possibility of a repeat experience. I really want to try and do natural again but I don't know if mentally I could handle it again - especially if things go the same way as last time. How do you get over a bad first experience and allow yourself to be open and unfearful of the next?

[hedra]

Get to a hypnotherapist ASAP! :)

No, really. They're great at overcoming the fears that you (rightfully) developed after a tough experience.

I had a less traumatic but similar experience with my first. I ended up in labor for 80 hours (did not dilate past 1 cm for more than 66 hours, ctx from 3-7 minutes apart the whole time), but I did manage a vaginal birth -- thanks in large part to 1) my midwife trusting me when I said I was okay, 2) my doulas never ONCE letting me know how long I'd been in labor - I truly thought it was no more than 24 hours, but was a bit befuddled about how three nights got crammed in to one day..., 3) my son's heartrate and vitals staying strong until after the epidural was applied, and rebounding well even then, and a big dose of luck.

Still, I was very scared that a second extended labor would happen, and that it would not be managed as well, or that my child wouldn't tolerate it as well, and so forth. I was afraid that 'something bad would happen' - like last time, but maybe even worse.

Hypnotherapy really REALLY helped. It helped me believe that not only was this birth going to be different, it was going to be shorter, smoother, more even, more open... just better.

HB labors average 4-6 hours long, even for first births. That was the kicker for me trying it.

My labor? 4.5 hours from first serious contraction. No pain (intensity, but not pain). Different attitude than Bradley - Bradley tells you it may well hurt, but you can manage. HB teaches you that you can control your endorphins so effectively that you can STOP any painful sensation. The glove anesthesia thing worked perfectly (once we remembered to do it, LOL! - it even blocked the intensity of the sensations as my pelvis shifted into an open position).

Please check it out. You can find HynoBirthing instructors online, just check their website.

[hedra]

Oh, and hire the hypnotherapist as a doula, too. If you might be easily scared back into a tense state, having them there is a HUGE bonus. The on-call OB I got spent a lot of time and energy using scare tactics on me, which my hb-instructor-doula could immediately counteract with a new script tailor-made to the situation, on the fly. :)

Worth every blessed penny (and was cheaper than a usual doula, too).

[hedra]

And, BTW, no two births are the same. You can't have that birth over again, it is over and done.

You can only have another, different birth. Chances are incredibly high that it will be better. Especially if you are committed to making it be better. Use the knowledge you gained, and answer the questions you are left with - find out other ways to get yourself to dilate more smoothly, find out other ways to manage the experience that might make you progress more, figure out if you could do something differently - that knowledge will help ease your mind.

(I also highly recommend "The Birth Partner" for reading up on what to do for any possible situation - very useful info!)

Good luck!

[kiwicaleb]

we had a long birth w/aidan too (60 hrs) and while i had a great birth, it wasn't what i planned for. (i've actually been grieving lately about it :( )

anywho, i'm wicked excited about going into labor again. you see, there is no way i'll have a birth like that one. the chances are like a million to one. we're going to do hypnobirthing again, and, we're doing a homebirth, which, i feel, will greatly improve the chances of having the birth i want for my child.

best of luck!
amy

p.s. i'm not pregnant yet, or ttc, just getting ready to prepare (such is my life)

[miche]

I'd recommend a doula as well, and also you might want to look into finding a more baby friendly hospital. My son had meconium asperation and injestion and I saw a lot of him! He was immediately deep suctioned right by my side (but the one nurse was too wide to see more than an occasional foot flopping around) and then he was handed to me for about 2 mins then taken to the nursery where his stomach was pumped and his lungs further cleaned and xrays taken to make sure they got it all. He was back to me within about 30 mins and didn't leave my side until much later when he was asleep and I had put him down in the bassinette. They requested I leave him in the nursery for observation, especially because I knew I was going to really konk out because I was exhausted after 26+ hours of active labor. I did and felt comfortable with the hospital and the nursery was literally accross the hall from my room! When I went in around 7am (about 5 hours later) to see him he was being cuddled by the nurse because he was awake and just too cute not to pick up she said :) We nursed from the start and nursed a lot!

A lot of times what they say HAS to be done, doesn't HAVE to be done, and a doula is someone who can really advocate for you by reminding you of your patient rites instead of just allowing you to concede to the typical hospital protocol - which many nurses don't like to veer from even when it isn't a life and death issue.

[Cynthia Flynn, CNM, Ph.D]

Three thoughts. First, I once heard a therapist say that the way to get over something you have to grieve is to talk about it and talk about it and talk about it until you are SICK of talking about it. Then talk about it three more times and you'll be done. Just a suggestion.

Second, the "rules" about meconium have changed in the last year. We used to have to do everything you said to meet the "standard of care." The new guidelines say that if the baby is born vigorous and crying, it does not need to be intubated, and can just be suctioned with a tube--usually right in your room.

Third, second labors are almost always easier than first labors, usually by quite a bit. In fact, I always tell second-timers to call me right away, as they often misjudge how far along they are by quite a bit! I can think of three second labors at the birth center whose first labors were long and grueling but who were at the birth center less than a half hour before delivering their second babies. I'd really like an hour! Can't hardly even get her admitted and the Jacuzzi filled in 24 min :) .

[miche]

Cynthia - Are some hospitals just more behind in adjusting the mec protocols? My son was born 9/1/01 and everyone was fairly relaxed about the mec. But her baby was born early this year and everything was so different for her it seems.

I do know that the hospital I delivered at is a small community one (in a very large metropolitan area - SF Bay Area), but it is smaller and more intimate. There were only 3 moms delivering the entire weekend I was there, and it was the start of the full moon too :) I still think that hospital atmosphere *IF* you have a choice, as well as the care provider you use can make a huge difference.

[missmary]

Boy can I relate! I also had an extended labor where I reached 8 cm after 2 1/2 days of labor and then got stuck there for hours with no sign of progress. I was delirious too. That's when I got the epi.

Please realize that this experience happened to you not so long ago. My son is 21 months old and it is still fresh on my mind, but I have come to good terms with it and lost most of the fear. I agree with talking about it. That is what I have done. Sometimes I feel silly because who really wants to hear me go on and on about this experience? Well, I continue to go on and on anyways because it helps me process the experience and take away new things.

I take great comfort in the fact that 2nd labors often go quicker and easier than firsts. I plan on taking hypnobirthing as Hedra suggested (we did Bradley too with the first). I feel fairly confident that things will go well. BUT if they don't, I also take comfort in the fact that there are other pain relief options.

You will need your husband's support. Please talk with him about this continually until he understand's how you feel. Certainly consider getting a doula who can support and advocate for you.

[tina & bean]

Just a simple suggestion:
I know of a few moms who went through a tramatic first birth. They have talked to me about their fear and apprehensions about doing it again, especially those whose pregnancies are close together. I always recommend that they find time (which can be hard to do with a very little one around, I know), or make time, to spend a few hours alone in a quiet place in your home and put pencil to paper. Write your birth story. Your version of exactly what happened. Include as many details as you can, feelings, emotions, decorations, people, smells, tastes, etc. Try to use all of your five sences. Write it out and include any feelings that you have about problems, procedures, happy moments, as they happen. Be fully aware and honest. Bit#* and moan if you want to. But write untill you feel drained. Often this exercise by itself helps to let go of a lot of bottled up pain and confussion. Some moms do a ritual type thing with the paper afterwards, burning it and watching it go up in smoke while they visualize the pain being carried away, diging a hole in the ground and putting it "to rest", shareing it with a loved one, or keeping it to look back on and learn from. The choice is yours but the most important part is writing it out. One mom had so much to write that she said she felt like she was in college again and pulled an "all nighter". But she felt like a new person in the morning. I wish you success and healing. HUGS!
Tina

[storkie24]

Thanks original poster for asking this question! I am in the same shoes only my dd is 16 months and we aren't preggo yet. I have been so leery! I had a horrible birth experience. I agree with those saying to talk and talk and talk about it. DH fortunately lets me do that. I have a hard time telling others for fear they are thinking I am whining. The main parts are horrible back labor when strapped down to the bed. having a IV when i didn't need to. 2 hour pushing. Dr. telling me to not say a word, not to cry, pointing his finger in my face telling me he had a 4 o'clock appointment and that my baby better be born. Forceps delivery. 3rd degree tear. Blood loss that eneded up with a 2 unit blood transfusion and a 4 day stay. Meconium aspiration (which I did not even know until late that night when my dd THREW UP not spit up - this horrible looking stuff - threw me into a panicked and they took her to suction her again. :( ) Conflicting bfing "advice" unsolicitated. This was a teaching hospital so we had people in and out all day and night and had to repeat ourselves over and over and never saw the same Dr. twice. Okay, I am finished. Hoping that contributed some towards my own healing!