So many emotions

[ajpr2]

For those who have been reading my updates, I am very close to having this baby. DH stressed that we HAD to get the room done this past weekend. The nursery is all done and ready to bring the baby home (which is funny since she will be in our room). Of course the tags are still on everything but hey, it is done. It was so hard boxing everything of Allison's up. Every little outfit I took from the dresser, I could picture her in it. But that picture is growing fuzzy. Now the short 3.5 months of her life is boxed away in 2 tubs and in our storage room. Other than pictures, it is like she never existed. That makes me so sad. And I know when the baby gets here it will be worse.

It is getting harder and harder to picture her and that scares me. It is harder and harder to live without her, as it gets closer to having this baby. I honestly think it would be easier if I was having a boy. And even though we aren't "replacing her", it sure feels like it.

Are kids are terrified that something is going to happen to the baby. Everyday at leats one of the them asks if the baby will be sick, if she will die, how do we KNOW she is okay. I have told them that she is, but what if she isn't? My son is confused about how babies eat. He thinks all of them eat through tubes in their nose. The sibling class confused him more I think. They are terrified of me going to the hospital. Our 7 year old said the last time you went to the hospital my sister died. Who will die this time. It is not fair that their innocence has been taken from them. I never thought Christopher would remember Allison or what we went through, but he remembers more details than I do.

Sorry this turned into a novel. I am just all emotional and these darn hormones don't help.

[Karennboys]

Oh Alexis, I guess I didn't realize you were so very close! How exciting! And, I can imagine, hard too... I can't wait to see pictures of your little girl!

Your kids sound like mine. Just a few mintues ago when we were eating breakfast Zac asked if this baby dies, will we adopt or will I get pg again... Ross says "Is everything OK with the heart?" I jsut tell them we think so, but we will have to wait and see. I am planning on taking them to the level 2 and echo with us... I think they deserve that. I pray so hard that all is well. OOPS hijacking there, sorry. I just feel your pain there, my kids are no longer innocent either.

You are NOT replacing Allison, you are just giving her a little sister to watch out for. Just think, in a few weeks your kids will get to SEE a healthy baby, WATCH it eat, hold it, play with it, and see that YES, sometimes things can actually go RIGHT! Keep focused on that, OK?

I hope your delivery goes fast and smooth and that your little precious girl is just beautiful and robust... Big ((((hugs))))

Love,
Karen

[Margaret]

Dear Alexis,

How sad that something that should be so wonderful should be overshadowed by such sad thoughts. I guess that we can't help it. I was just thinking it was so easy to love Emma, but I'm so afraid to love another little boy. I want Noah to be the only little boy that I ever loved.

I think that it's scary having hte same sex too. The only time that I ever had a boy things were so bad and everything was wonderful with Em, maybe I was just meant to have healthy girls and no boys. Even after the echo I'm starting to get scared again.

One thing that we did was pack up all Noah's special stuff and put it in a cedar chest taht only has his things in it. It helped us to have a special place for it.

I know what you mean about memories getting fuzzy. It seems like so long ago and so much has happened since then. It's really starting to feel like the past, even though the pain is really so much here still.

I want to tell you good luck and I can't wait for you to hold that beautiful little girl in your arms. You deserve every happiness in life!!!

Margaret

[Scout]

(((gentle hugs)))

I am so sorry that you and your family are having such a difficult time as your due date approaches . . . I wish I could think of something to say that would take away your pain, or that would make your children feel safe about your going to the hospital and bringing home their new sister. Please know that you're in my thoughts every single day, and I'm sending you tons of good wishes over the miles.

[PaulaSue]

Thinking of you and your family. (((HUGS)))

[Hop Devil]

I can't believe that it is already time for you to bring this little girl into the world. It must have been so hard for you to pack up Allison's things. That is something I have yet to do. In no way could this baby ever replace your precious Allison. She is a part of you forever, Alexis.

Regarding your kids' reactions, I just have to say I know how hard that can be. It is amazing to me everyday, that Jacob and Evan (who are the same age as your son) remember so much about Luke. They, too, think that if you go tot he hospital, you will die. It is so hard to explain this all to them.

Just have faith that your baby is perfectly healthy. Best wishes for an easy and UNEVENTFUL delivery!

[o2BaMom]

Alexis... I WISH I had words of wisdom for you. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you.

[julie]

I've been thinking about you! I'm so excited for you! I can't wait to get there!

Emily says stuff everyday about Anthony and the what-ifs of losing this baby. It is so hard. You're so lucky to have had those months with Allison and have all of her things. You're not replacing her!

julie