abnormal morbid fear?

[CodeNameMom]

I spend most of my time at SC4 but I can't help but wonder on that board how many of us will have happy healthy babies? I feel so morbid wondering how many will go into preterm labor, who will be gone for a weekend and come back to say the baby is gone. Will everyone get the baby they are carrying or will even one person show up on SFL? This really bothers me. Not only the fear that it may be me, but the fear that if it isn't someone else may have to go through that. Is this fear normal? I mean of all of us on that board does it mean that even one of us will have that less than perfect outcome?

Thanks in advance for reading and putting in your 2 cents.

[Angellochie]

Amanda,
I know what you mean hon, when you have suffered loss you lose your innocence. Already at SC4 we have lost quite a few babies to miscarriage, and I worry for everyone else too. I got to 41 weeks and then lost Lochie - I can never feel safe while pregnant. I see the carefree attitude the girls at SC4 have - those who have had no losses i mean and i am jealous. They don't have to think "what if the same thing happens again...." I have said it before and i will say it again, when you lose a child there is no "normal" anymore. You have to incorporate your loss into your life and slowly you build a new normal. All we can do hon is hope and pray that everyone will have a good outcome and that no one there will ever have to go through the heartache of losing a baby - no one should ever have to outlive their children, no matter how old they are.
Sorry if this doesn't help - it's just my 2 cents.
Take care sweetie.
xoxoxox

[JM]

You are not alone, I feel the same way. More specifically my fears are centred around new Mums going for their 20 week US. Alot of people seem to think that this is jsut a photography session but it is a very important antenatal test and it is the test that found my babies abnormalities. Ignorance IS bliss and we have lsot the naivity that nothing goes wrong :(

[Scout]

I remember when I was at the last SC4 and pregnant with George Henry, and women started talking about getting their baby beats (at home heart dopplers), and I remember, in my complete ignorance, thinking how paranoid they were if they felt they needed to listen to their baby's hearts that frequently. Well. What a difference a really crappy year makes. This time around I have a baby beat, and I'm so grateful that I do -- I know that it's kept me from flying into my doc's office a dozen times already. Just this morning, I woke up having a panic attack because Sam was being so still, and being able to hear his heart beat was the sweetest relief. I wish that pregnancy could be a time of hope and joy for me, and I guess it is to some extent, but now it's mixed up with fear and dread, and I think that's probably true for all of us.

(((hugs)))

[Karennboys]

:( you are not alone in feeling that way. It is sad, huh? But, I think with what we have been through it is perfectly normal. ((hugs))

[CodeNameMom]

Thanks everyone! I was really afraid I was the only one thinking like that. I don't know why I just can't seem to get over it but if I notice a name that usually posts alot and I haven't seen it in a day or two I panic thinking the worst! I so wish I could blissfully believe that everyone always has healthy babies and that death never happens until they are old and gray, but that just isn't so. I have finally started to believe it may not happen to me this time (cross fingers, and that is I have gotten the fear down it is always present but it isn't as smothering)

I hope we all have our healthy babies this time!!

[Jennifer B]

Not alone.....I can't help at this stage in my new pg. to be slightly bitter and thinking "not preg.", if that makes sense. I mean, I'm not doing dumb things, like drugs and drinking, but if I want a diet coke or I want to exercise and feel up to it, I do it, or color my hair, unlike w/ DS and pg #2, I was paranoid about stuff like that. I did all that paranoid stuff with pg #2 and it got me no where.

I hate that I feel bitter, I hate that we are not telling anyone until at least 15 wks, probably after the amnio if we make it that far. So, given that, I can't even share what little joy I have. Heck, I can't even post at SC1, all these posts about picking out a nursery, or do you want a boy or girl...screw that stuff, I just want the baby, he/she/it can come home in a t-shirt and sleep in a cardboard box, for all I care, just come home. :(

[Anxious]

Sleep in a cardboard box. I love it. I tease with my dh now b/c with our "Sweet Pea" I had to make sure everything in my nursery was just perfect. Heck I spent 7 solid weeks researching cribs, (which is now completely empty.)

The next time I am blessed to get pregnant my priorities will be totally different and my free time will be spent praying for a healthy baby.

When I see pregnant women now, I think gosh I hope they have a healthy baby, not, hmmm I wonder what kind of crib they bought?

[Viketory]

I do worry about the losses that may occur for everyone and I'm also afraid about losing this one. Now that I'm past 20 weeks I'd no longer be considered a miscarriage and part of that scares me. I often wonder what it would be like to go through pregnancy carefree. I try not to focus on that though. I'd rather focus on things like cribs and clothes than on possible loss. I can control what the nursery looks like but I can't control something that may happen in the future.

For today I'm pregnant and I'm going to enjoy everything that goes with it. I've reached a point where I know that whatever is going on inside has already happened and I can't change it. I'm happy when I worry about minutia, I'm not happy when I worry about a funeral for my child.

[MonkersMama]

I just wanted to add "ditto" to all of the above. I really have no new words to say that haven't already been said in this thread, but I sure feel it too.

[ajpr2]

I think after a loss it is only normal to expect/fear the worst. I was just saying a few weeks ago that after many m/c and alot of preterm labors and only one preterm birth how SC3 was "due for a devistation" since it had been a while. Then the whole LZBABY thing happened, which turned out to be a crock. So now I am back on my fear again. Maybe it was because SC2 2002 had really bad time and was hit hard with losses and problems.

I think it is only normal but we have to try to not let fear win out. Otherwise it consumes us and we miss many of the important things.

((hugs))

[julie]

Everyday that thought goes through my head. My dr says "Julie, you won't calm down until you're holding a healthy baby in your arms." I believe this is true and for my dh too!

Julie

[stargirl]

You're definitely not alone.

Scout - I loved having my babybeat monitor. We even videotaped a session, so we have Juliana's heartbeat recorded at about 8 months. It was so reassuring.