October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

[Tami C]

So first, I want to start a big :group hug to all of you, my dearest sisters. I wish we never had to meet under these circumstances, but I can say with perfect certainty that you have all helped me in ways immeasurable as I have moved through the process of healing. I hope that I have been able to help you all in some small way, and that together we can continue to support each other and those who will sadly join us.

So I have been thinking about this, and I think it's time we add a few things to the information cubby. I am going to reply to this post with a note with some questions and if everyone could weigh in, that would be wonderful. Mari will archive the responses for the hot topics cubby later, removing names for privacy of course. Maybe we can help someone who needs us but isn't ready to talk just yet.

[Tami C]

How did your loss affect your marriage? (:hug: Lea)

Where did you find the most support following your loss? Did you go to a support group, reach out to close friends, find comfort from the internet?

Where did your husband find support following your loss? We're his or your families helpful? Did he talk to a counselor, or a good friend, or with you? Was he left to manage his feelings on his own?

If you have living children, how did you help them understand your family's loss? Were there ages a factor in how much they know? And if your loss happened when they were too young to understand at the time, have/how have you explained things to them as they got older?



I really appreciate everyone's thoughts on these topics. I know for myself, dwelling on my sadness doesn't help but talking about it does. And reaching out to someone in need makes me feel like my struggle is worth something. Does that make sense?

[Tami C]

Ok, you shy guys! I will get things started.

How did your loss affect your marriage? (:hug: Lea)

Where did you find the most support following your loss? Did you go to a support group, reach out to close friends, find comfort from the internet?
I looked mostly to my dh for support. He was so wonderful. I cried a lot. My family was sometimes around, most times not, and they didn't know what to say to comfort me. I don't think my mother ever had a loss and my sister has only had one, so when I got to 2 and then 3 miscarriages, they didn't know what to say or do for me. And I hadn't found online support yet. We tried to go to a support group at the hospital once. We called 3 or 4 times to make sure we had the time and place right. When we got there, it was a lamaze class. We never went back.


Where did your husband find support following your loss? We're his or your families helpful? Did he talk to a counselor, or a good friend, or with you? Was he left to manage his feelings on his own?
I was useless to him. I didn't know it until much later, but my family was wonderful for him. They talked to him, let him cry with them, they offered to help him with the kids (I remembered later that the kids did seem to be spending a lot more time with my parents and sister in the weeks following my losses.) His family was worse than unhelpful, they were truly hurtful. And since he had moved 2 hours from home to live with me, he hadn't had much of a chance to make new friends yet, much less men friends he could talk about this stuff with.


If you have living children, how did you help them understand your family's loss? Were there ages a factor in how much they know? And if your loss happened when they were too young to understand at the time, have/how have you explained things to them as they got older?
They were toddlers when I lost my first angel, so there was no talking to them about it then. We lost Muffin at 17 weeks the week before they started kindergarten, so that was pretty traumatic for all of us. We had spent the whole summer all excited about the baby, and dh and I got married that summer. Everything in our lives was aiming toward that baby, and then she was gone. The kids didn't ask a lot of questions, but we tried to talk to them about it in gentle ways. A few months later we had our third loss, this time at 7 weeks. We hadn't told anyone we were expecting again, but then the miscarriage was so rough I ended up in the hospital overnight, so everyone knew then. It was hard on the kids, but since they were still in kindergarten, they didn't really understand. In the years since, we have talked about them a lot. They know they have 3 angels waiting for us. We've talked to our children who were born after our losses about them too, and they will every now and then ask a question. We just try to talk to them about how things happen, we don't know why, and we just have to hope that there is a reason.

[Wheezie]

How did your loss affect your marriage? (:hug: Lea)

Well, we were lucky in that literally everyone we encountered (dr, pastor, etc) emphasized that we could not let Ryan's death tear us apart. I can see how easily it could happen though. Had we not already had Emmie, I think it would have been easy to drift apart, each of us lost in our pain and hurt.

Where did you find the most support following your loss? Did you go to a support group, reach out to close friends, find comfort from the internet?

Ahh, thank God for sn. It literally saved my sanity I think. You all were such a support, so much comfort to me after Ryan died. I can't even put it into words. Also, lots of prayer. I remember being just livid w/ God after Ryan died that I couldn't even think about church, prayer, etc. Luckily, God was big enough for my anger, and was waiting on me to settle down and come back to Him. Looking back, there were so many times that God did little things to bring me comfort. I'm so thankful for that.

Where did your husband find support following your loss? We're his or your families helpful? Did he talk to a counselor, or a good friend, or with you? Was he left to manage his feelings on his own?

Honestly, we grieved together. Being a man, he's not one to readily show emotion, but there were many times we just sat and cried together. I can always tell when he's sad about Ryan. He just gets this look on his face, or maybe it's the way he acts, I don't know. But I'll ask if he's being quiet b/c of Ryan, and he'll say yes. So I know to not be offended if he's not talking, etc. Usually, I'll be the one to do the talking as far as how much I miss him, he'd be ___ old today, etc. I think just hearing me say what he's thinking helps him. (we've been married 15 years, so by this point I know what dh is thinking most of the time. :) )

If you have living children, how did you help them understand your family's loss? Were there ages a factor in how much they know? And if your loss happened when they were too young to understand at the time, have/how have you explained things to them as they got older?

Ahh, this was the hardest thing. Emmie was 3.5 when Ryan died. She went to see him everyday, many days 2-3 times a day. I remember when we were told that they were doing CPR on Ryan and that it didn't look good, I remember thinking "How am I ever going to tell Emmie???" We went home that morning to my IL's house (they had kept her that night so we could stay at the hospital), and just crawled into bed w/ her, and held her. She kept asking about "baby brother"-where was he, why did he have to go to Heaven, etc.

Honestly though, I think she's alot of the reason I made it through that first year. Because of her, I *had* to get up everyday, even though I just wanted to stay in bed and cry. Because of her I *had* to bring some normalcy back to our life, I *had* to have Christmas that year (he died 9 days before Christmas). I think I would have given up on life if it wasn't for her.




I really appreciate everyone's thoughts on these topics. I know for myself, dwelling on my sadness doesn't help but talking about it does. And reaching out to someone in need makes me feel like my struggle is worth something. Does that make sense?
It makes perfect sense! :group hug