Anniversary

[Jessie]

2 years ago tonight I was drinking cold grape juice trying to get my baby to wake up and start kicking. I drank almost a gallon of juice that night, and he never made a movement. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day that I went in and found out that Jalen was dead. That was by far the absolute worst day of my life. It was physically painful to live through, and I still feel a knife go through my chest when I remember all of the horrible aspects of that time....seeing the ultrasound with no heart beat...watching Dh cry....realizing I would have to deliver him....making the phone calls to tell my family the news....being prepped for the c section...holding my dead baby....my milk coming in.....the horrible engorgement....going to the mortuary....getting rid of all of our baby stuff at goodwill. At the time, we lived in a tiny one-bedroom apartment, and I thought I would never get to be a mother to a live baby. I couldn't have all that baby stuff around.

I am so grateful that now I do have a living baby. Amelia means the world to both me and Dh. We are truly happy. I do miss my little boy though. I still can't believe that he could have had such perfect lips, a perfect nose, and chubby little hands, but not be alive. We bonded so much during my pregnancy with him, and I loved him so much when I held him.

Tomorrow will be a painful day. None of my family or friends remembered last year, and I don't expect anyone will remember this year. I just wish somebody would send a card, or flowers, or even phone me and say "hey, I know this is a rough day. I'm thinking of you."

Thanks for listening.

[kaleidoscope]

I'm so sorry, Jessie, for everything. :hug:

[ajpr2]

I am so so sorry :hug: Be gentle with yourself. We are here for you. :hug:

[KarenP]

Jalen will be in my thoughts today. :hug:

[Morrighanne]

Oh Jessie, take care. I'll be thinking of you and your sweet boy today

[Lisa_K]

I'm sorry Jessie. We remember Jalen.

Be kind to yourself today.

[Tami C]

Oh Jessie, :weepy: I wonder if maybe your family and friends don't say anything because they don't know what to say. Many times, people who have not experienced the loss we have, feel like if they say anything they will be hurting us. They don't realize - we know exactly what day today is, we are already hurting.

Do you and your dh talk about your sweet boy? My dh and I didn't talk about Muffin for a long time. And it hurt me deeply that he didn't seem to be mourning her like I was. Anniversaries came and went with no mention. Finally, I think on the 5th anniversary, I fell completely apart, and finally asked him why he never cried like I was. He told me it was because he was trying so hard to hold onto himself to be strong for me, and he also tried to put the dates of things out of his head so that he wouldn't be crushed when the calendar rolled around to anniversaries. He said that he remembered everything about the appointment where we found out she was gone, everything about the trip to the hospital, and delivering her. That's when I found out that there had been paperwork to fill out, and that he had done it all so that I wouldn't have to, and that her legal name is and always will be Muffin.

Talk to your dh. And if you have family and friends close by, say something to them as well. Don't be afraid to tell people you are hurting. I bet they will feel bad for not saying something first, once they understand that you are already hurting.

[Jelly-Anne]

:hug: Your family and Jalen are in my thoughts today

[Karennboys]

Thinking of you... :hug:

[missing]

(( Jessie ))

[bugsmom]

Thinking of you.

[Jessie]

Oh Jessie, :weepy: I wonder if maybe your family and friends don't say anything because they don't know what to say. Many times, people who have not experienced the loss we have, feel like if they say anything they will be hurting us. They don't realize - we know exactly what day today is, we are already hurting.


I know that's what it is. Well, that and they also don't remember the exact date. My family is bad about that. I do understand, because I'm really bad about that kind of thing, too. I'm always afraid of saying the wrong thing, so I avoid people who are grieving, etc. It is just lousy to be on the other side though.

I made it through the day. I did talk to Dh about it. We don't talk about Jalen often, but we talked about him the last couple of nights. I feel better now that the anniversary is over.

[ajpr2]

You made it through the day, and that is a huge thing. I am glad you and DH talked. :hug:

[kianurse]

:hug: jessie

[sunny-d]

Jessie, I have had you on my mind all day. I'm so sad for your loss. Still. I remember 2 years ago very clearly, and my heart ached for you then as it does today.

:hug:

[karen.jersey]

((hugs))

[Wldflwr716]

I remember Jalen and I'm sorry I missed your Angelversary. I hope your spirits are lifted and your heart is full.