People say the dumbest things..

[Jessie]

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I had to go back to my job in the ER a few weeks ago. When I did my first shift, I found out a few people don't know that I lost my baby. Several people a shift come up to me and say "how's your baby!" or "what did you have, boy or girl?" and "weren't you pregnant the last time I saw you?" It is hard enough to deal with that, but now I've also had to deal with people saying really stupid things when I tell them what happened. Of course a lot of people say "Oh well, you can have another one." And one guy said "maybe it was because you were still working." I had been off work for 6 weeks when I lost my baby. And plus, I have enough guilt already, I don't need people piling on more. I tried to get my friend from work to spread the word about what happened, but she didn't do a very good job. It's a big, busy place.

In the midst of dealing with all of this at work, I also occasionally have to take care of pediatric emergencies. It's just really hard. I look at the child and flash back to holding my son. I look at the scared parents and just see myself. Even the people who know what happened don't understand how hard it is for me to function when the patient is a critical baby. I wish I could quit my job now, but I have to wait a few months. Thanks for letting me vent.

[amyval]

OH Jessie :hug: . People do say stupid things and NOBODY knows what you are going through unless they have been through it themselves. I'm so sorry. I had the same thing happen when I miscarried. So many people asked me how I was feeling for months after. I felt like saying don't you people talk to each other when something bad happens! Why can't that stuff spread as fast as the "gossip".

I'm so sorry.

[Tami C]

I'm sorry sweetie. Yup, everything you are hearing is right up there in the Top Ten Things NOT To Say To Grieving Parents. :weepy: It would be nice if people would think for a minute before they start shooting out words. I don't think they do it to be hurtful, I think they just desperately need to fill the uncomfortable silence with something, and rambling is all they can come up with. You'll know immediately when you are talking to someone who has lost a child, they'll know what not to say. They'll know by your reaction whether you want to talk about it or if you just want to get out of the conversation.

I know there is no easy way around things like this, especially in your line of work. I would like you to know that I think you are stronger than you think you are, given that you haven't been arrested for hitting anyone at work. :hug:

[kianurse]

Jessie,
When I miscarried last summer I found it really hard going back to work. I work in pediatrics. I thought I would drop the first newborn that was placed in my hands by a mom who wanted help feeding. Everyone handles the things NOT to say to a grieving parent differently but I went and Printed out the list from this website and when someone said something stupid I would hand it to them and say read this. I even sent the link to my family. It seemed to help a little bit. HUGS to you.
Kia

[Susue]

Oh Jessie, I hate to hear you've had to deal with those questions and comments. It's definitely one of the hardest parts of being a newly bereaved parent. I actually came up with a few canned responses and practiced them in the mirror, which made me feel "armed". After a few incidents like yours, I knew I couldn't make people use the old hat rack before speaking, but I could be braced and ready for it when it happens. It really helped me. Hoping the news travels quickly through the work grapevine. :hug:

[ibmommy]

:hug: i am so sorry. People just don't understand unless they have suffered a loss

[sunny-d]

Jessie, I am so sorry. I have thought of you (and the other ladies on this board) often. I hate that people are so thoughtless. As if it isn't hard enough. :hug:

[Patti]

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I had to go back to my job in the ER a few weeks ago. When I did my first shift, I found out a few people don't know that I lost my baby. Several people a shift come up to me and say "how's your baby!" or "what did you have, boy or girl?" and "weren't you pregnant the last time I saw you?" It is hard enough to deal with that, but now I've also had to deal with people saying really stupid things when I tell them what happened. Of course a lot of people say "Oh well, you can have another one." And one guy said "maybe it was because you were still working." I had been off work for 6 weeks when I lost my baby. And plus, I have enough guilt already, I don't need people piling on more. I tried to get my friend from work to spread the word about what happened, but she didn't do a very good job. It's a big, busy place.

In the midst of dealing with all of this at work, I also occasionally have to take care of pediatric emergencies. It's just really hard. I look at the child and flash back to holding my son. I look at the scared parents and just see myself. Even the people who know what happened don't understand how hard it is for me to function when the patient is a critical baby. I wish I could quit my job now, but I have to wait a few months. Thanks for letting me vent.

Ok - I gotta say that those first two comments are ridiculously stupid. It sounds like you handled the situation with grace and dignity which is a lot better than how I would imagine handling that if I were in your shoes.

Your flash back comment made me really sad for you but at the same time admiring your strength. :hug:

[ajpr2]

I am so sorry that you have to deal with insensitive people. I try to tell myself that they just don't understand. And if they did then many times they would have to be in similar shoes. And I wish that on no one.

As far as the flashbacks, that is normal. Whatever normal is anymore.

:hug:

[Mrs. Cheezer]

I'm so sorry that people are being less than helpful right now! I keep thinking that they just must not know what to say, but it doesn't make their insensitive comments any better to hear. I really and truly can't imagine anyone being SO insensitive - especially saying that you were working too much! And this from a guy - like he knows ANYTHING about carrying a baby...

People have been very kind to me, but hurtful things have been said too. You don't want to hear "You're young. You can have more." or "These things happen, it's just a part of life." Who cares about those things when you're grieving? You just want someone to be sympathetic. NO ONE knows what you're going through, but you. I'm sorry you are experiencing flashbacks and I hope that the next few months of work go by quickly for you. :hug: