My loss

[Jessie]

I really don't know what to say about the worst day of my life. I do want to know if others on SN have experience with similar types of losses, and I do want to know what the light at the end of the tunnel is like, and how long it takes to get there. I wish there was a way to know if I will ever be able to have a child, although we can't really know much until more tests are completed. We were TTC this child on and off for 4.5 years, with one miscarriage at 6 weeks, 4 years ago. I wish I knew if this means we are doomed to lose pregnancies.

Except for the fact that the baby was stillborn, things really couldn't have gone better at the hospital. I would almost think there was some kind of divine intervention involved, except for the obvious exception. I really didn't want myself or my husband to have to watch or hear the c-section. My husband was scared to death of going in the OR, but he wanted to be there to support me. Luckily, I had a bad reaction to the spinal and sedating medications (that I requested), so I had to be put under general anesthesia. I feel terrible that my husband had to be scared to death with the news that I had had a "complication", so he wasn't going to be brought in. But, it was really the best way it could've happened. The doctor was incredible with us. He gave us all the time we needed, and he did everything according to my wishes. My nurse was a personal friend of mine, and she walked us through the entire day. Before the baby was delivered, I kept panicking and saying "I can't do this!", but she held my hand, assured me we would do it together, and walked me through it. When we were sitting in triage and received the horrible news, my husband called his job to tell them that he wouldn't be in that day. One of his coworkers was at the hospital within minutes, so we were only alone for a very short time. I was so grateful that he had support, too.

When I first found out the baby wasn't alive, I didn't want to see him or hold him, and I REALLY didn't want the "memory packet" that contained pictures, footprints, etc. My nurse helped me understand that we could do everything at my own pace. As a nurse, I have seen many corpses, but I've never seen a dead baby. I had no idea what to expect. He was much more beautiful than I had imagined, and he was perfect. 6lbs 10oz and 19.25 inches. My husband and I both held him. We're glad we did it, but it was overwhelmingly painful. I thought I was going to be traumatized by holding an ugly, lifeless corpse. Instead, it was traumatizing because he was so adorable and perfect. I just wanted him to be alive so badly. I wished I could've done more for him. I feel like I failed this perfect little person. There are so many things I wish I would've done differently during the pregnancy. I try to logically convince myself that since I didn't drink, didn't smoke, and didn't take any medications except tylenol and mylanta; I didn't cause this. But that being said, if I get pregnant again I will do things differently.

After a couple days, we were both able to look at the pictures and the memory packet, and now we're glad we have that, too.

My recovery from the c-section has been textbook. The doctor used dermabond glue instead of staples or steri-strips on the incision. It is healing up perfectly, and it is so low that I could wear a bikini and nobody would see it.

Anyway, I wanted to post a more complete version of the story. Sorry it was so random and unorganized, but that's about how my brain's functioning right now.

[miss meg]

Jessie - I am so sorry sweetie :(:(. I have not experienced your loss, but you and your precious son will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please take time for yourself.

[CodeNameMom]

:hug: It doesn't sound random and disorganized to me. It sounds poetic and lovely! I cried with you. :hug: *HUGE TEARS* I am So sorry you have to go through this. No words will take away what you are feeling. But the feelings you expressed from start to present are normal. Grief is so random how it comes and how you deal with it. There are variations to normal that include sadness, guilt, anger, even rage. The first time you feel happy over ANYTHING you will most likely feel guilty as well. But it is ok to find peace and happiness again. It could happen tomorrow or it could take a year, but it is ok to just let it play out. You will always have a part of your son in your heart and that will never change even if you go on to have 5 more kids. Part of you will always wonder "what if" or remember his birthday. And that is perfectly normal. There is no set time on when that will happen that the memories don't sting quite so bad.

I personally haven't had a full term loss of my own. My furthest loss was 11-12wks but I was blessed to see my fetus and get to hold it. We named that baby Dominic. Since that loss I have felt the urge to name each of my m/c babies. It has helped me very much. Please do come here whenever you need support in the coming weeks. It won't be easy to get through autopsies, funeral (if you have it), comments from well meaning people, and so much more. We are here for you. :hug:

[sunny-d]

:hug: Jessie, I think of you daily. I am just so sorry. I am so thankful that the hospital experience went as well as could be hoped for. I am glad you had time with your sweet baby boy.

We'll continue to keep you in our prayers. I wish there was more we could do. :hug:

[pelli's mom]

Jessie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your sweet boy? Did you name him? My husband and I are almost four months into our terrible journey of loss. We lost our daughter, Pelli, at 39 weeks 2 days -- after a perfect, problem-free pregnancy. There is no explanation, even after an autopsy and lots of blood tests.

The first weeks and even couple of months for me are a blur. I try not to go back there very often. It's overwhelming.

I wasn't able to work, take calls, go anywhere by myself and rarely out of the house with anyone. Now I am functioning at a much higher level.

I'm glad you got to hold your son and look at him. I treasure the time I was able to be with my little girl. I look at her picture everyday.

In the beginning, I was able to take things one minute at a time -- literally. Now I can say that there are actually hours that go by when I feel somewhat "normal," although normal has permanently changed for us.

When we first lost our daughter, people told me to be gentle with myself , as I searched for an explanantion for what happened. I wouldn't even eat pre-washed lettuce unless it was washed again when I was pregnant. Like you, I was very careful about everything.

It is unfair that we have no answers. It's unfair that we have this rotten deal. Be gentle with yourself as you wade through your grief.

Take good care.

Randi

[kianurse]

Jessie, I am sorry for your loss. Each person walks this path differently but we are all here to lend support. All of these ladies are awesome. My m/c was this past summer and I know in my heart these ladies were great listeners! I found a big help for me was to email the link to the grieving parents area here. That seemed to help folks who wanted to do something but just did not know what to say. You are in my prayers. :hug:
Kia

[Wldflwr716]

Jessie,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is so devastating to lose a child. We all walk a different path in our grief, but that is the beauty of it. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. This is such a wonderful place to come and vent and share. Because each walk a different path there is bound to be someone here who you identify with.

I had many of the same questions you had about what happens after death. What purpose did the death of my son serve? I still haven't got all the answers, but I have been on a spiritual journey. Maybe that is my son's purpose? Anyway, a book I read that seemed to propel me on my journey was Silvia Browns, Conversations with the Other Side. I am now reading Lessons from the Light by George Anderson. I highly recommend this last book to everyone. These books, plus others I have been reading have helped me to have peace and acceptance of this tragic loss.

Know that we are here for you when you need us. We are all in varying stages of our grief, but we are all walking this path. :hug:

[b_a_b_y_3]

Nothing I could ever say would make you feel better. Just know that you are not alone and you will make a new life for yourself, not better or worse...just different.

[Jessie]

Jessie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your sweet boy? Did you name him?


Yes, his name was Jalen Thomas. I always knew that I wanted him to have a name as soon as he was born, and that didn't change with the loss.

Randi, I'm so extremely sorry that you have to go through this, too. Nobody should ever, ever have to go through this. That being said, I am so grateful that you posted. Right now, my husband and I feel like we're the only ones this has ever happened to. If you ever need or want to talk, please feel free to PM me. However, I completely understand if you don't want to go there. I'm still waiting for the day to come where I can function again, and when I get there, I doubt I will revisit these days often.

Jessie

[hedra]

Jessie, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I can't speak to your exact situation - I haven't been there. All my losses were early. In my family, there have been other losses as well, one from SIDS (3 months), and one from complications of hydrocephaly at 3 years old. No matter when they go, it is always too soon. What I can say from my own and my mother's and sister's experiences is this:

1) It is always isolating at first - but you will find those who know too well how you feel. It's worth seeking them out. Check online for support groups, because there's such a benefit to hearing your own story reflected in someone else's story, first to see the path forward, and later to help someone else find their own way forward.

2) It come in cycles, and layers, and waves. Both the healing and the hurt have their own seasons. Yes, you'll function again, but when you do, you may find that revisiting the loss isn't the same as you expect it to be. My oldest brother died more than 50 years ago, and my mother still revisits the loss. And while she'll still weep sometimes that he did not get the birthright of health and life that he deserved (as all children deserve), but there are moments of gratitude and reflection that are part of that, and that aren't hard at all to deal with. Regardless of your own seasons of healing and hurting, taking the season you are in now for whatever it IS, that's the only thing you need ask of yourself. Don't try too hard to look forward to what things will be like - take enough hope from those who have been before you to trust that you will get there, and then deal with where you are.

3) Yes, be gentle with yourself. You need all the gentle care you can get, especially from yourselves and each other. It is HARD to cope with loss like this. It takes immense courage just to get out of bed. 'Shattering' barely touches it.

I wish I could say anything that would help in a real substantive way, but there's nothing that can be said for this. My mother says that the loss of a child is the only unredeemable loss. There are things in life around the loss that can be gained - new connections, knowing one is loved, deeper understandings, some profound and life-changing truths, even - but none of those are a redemption worthy of the loss. One just grows back together over time, into a new shape, scars and all, and learns to live the new life that grew into shape as well.

[Susue]

Jessie,
I remember those first days after my daughter died so very clearly and I truly feel your pain right now. Please know that you will learn how to live again. It takes time and it will be different than what it was like before, but you are a mother now and you will eventually identify yourself that way. You carried Jalen, you delivered him, you held him, you love him. YOU are his mother and many many things you do from now on will be in his honor and his memory and you will feel comforted when you do them and you'll enjoy feeling like he's proud of you. Right now you think of Jalen and cry. Some day you will think of him and smile. I PROMISE!!!! :hug:

[ibmommy]

I am so sorry for your loss :hug: The other ladies here have said some wonderful things and have great advice.

We lost our first son at 24 wks. I to chose a C-section for delivery. It was a horrible experience knowing what was going on. We found out our son had severe heart defects. Like you we did not want to see him, hold him, etc. But a friend of mine talked me into it and I am so glad she did. I have an entire scrapbook devoted to Gage, a window box, and the blanket he was wrapped in when I held him. I treasure all of that. I even have his tiny footprint framed on our family photo wall on our stairwell.

The grieving is so hard. I had panic attacks every so often, good days, horrible days. Sometimes I would be just fine then just burst into tears. With many friends I learned it was all okay and the crying burst felt so good. Sometimes I would just jump in the shower and have a good cry. The first year was the hardest. We celebrate Gage with a special dinner every year and I am able to talk freely about him.

We did go on and have a healthy son a year and half later. It was a very hard pregnancy but I had wonderful doctors and a great perinotologist who saw me every 2 -4 wks until I was 25wks pg. I had every test known to man it seems and about 12 ultrasounds watching our son grow healthy.

My advice to you is to take one day at a time, find someone you can talk to when you need it, cry as often as you want, treat yourself to nice things, do NOT blame yourself for anything, and talk to Jalen. I believe very strongly he is with you all the time. He may not be with you in the way we want him to but he is your angel who will forever be at your side. Allow yourself to have hope in the future. Hang in there and come here as often as you want to talk things out. We have wonderful ears.

:group hug

[Brandy79]

Jessie, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious son. :( My prayers go out to you and your husband. :hug:

[NancyS]

Jessie,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy. These ladies have all had great words of wisdom! One of the most important elements of going through this healing process is believing that you WILL get through it, you will forever be changed but you WILL smile again and experience joy again. Being strong enough to move forward does not mean that you are in anyway forgetting what you've been through or how horribly you ache for Jalen. Prayers and hugs...take care!

[Scout]

I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. And your story brought up so many memories for me. Those precious moments holding the baby you've lost forever, that awful, awful ache that never goes away.

It's going to be hard for a very long time. But things will eventually get better.

Be gentle with yourself. Get up and shower every day, try to allow people into your life, don't put any pressure on yourself to feel any certain way on any certain day. That first year, we boycotted the holidays. It upset our family, but we couldn't help it . . . it was what we needed to do to get through it.

:hug:

[Melanie]

Jessie, I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your beautiful Jalen Thomas. Gentle hugs...:hug:

[Morrighanne]

:hug: I am so sorry Jessie but thankyou for sharing your son's story with us. We're here for you if you need us :hug:

[Tami C]

Jessie, my heart is with you. I am so sorry for what has happened. I want you to know that you didn't do anything wrong! You were very careful with your body and your baby, he just died, and that sucks, but it's not your fault. This was a hard thing for me to realize when we lost Muffin at 17 weeks. I had been sooooo careful - I made sure I got rest every day, gave up soda and was reallllly careful about taking any meds, even ones on the safe list. I did everything my doctor said and then some, and still, we lost her. I had a very hard time believing it wasn't my fault. But then I look around and see drug addicts who carry to term, and teenagers who are out partying all night and still deliver healthy babies. It can't have been anything we did wrong to cost us our babies, because we were doing everything right.

I can't give you a reason why it happens. But I can say you didn't do anything wrong. And I know that, because if you truly felt that something you did caused this, you wouldn't be able to stop saying that, and your guilt would be eating you up. You feel like you were responsible for your baby for one reason - you are his Mommy. Good Mommies feel their responsibilities very deeply and they hurt when their children hurt, and they feel their babies pain. You are now feeling possibly - definitely - the worst possible hurt you could, the pain of knowing that you did everything you were supposed to do, and still he died.

I think the other ladies have given you some terrific advice, so I will just echo their thoughts. Be kind to yourself. There is no set schedule for when you will feel better, but expect the first full year to be awful. Oh sure, you might have some good days - days when you aren't feeling crushed by your loss. But those days will cause hurt too, because then you feel like you've "forgotten" Jalen. As if you ever could. So take your time on this journey. Let yourself succomb to the pain when you have to, but also remember - Jalen lives on through you, so you will be able to tell people about his perfect fingers and toes, and how wiggly he was at one time, and how surviving his loss has made you a new person. Nobody ever wants to become that new person, but once you are, you realize how many of us are in the same club. You'll see it in the faces of women when you mention your loss. The women who become nervous and extra chatty, they are the lucky ones who've never felt our pain. The women whose eyes well up, who instinctively reach out to take your hand or touch your arm, they are the ones who have walked the path you're now on. Take comfort from them, and know - they survived this and you will too.

[ajpr2]

Jessie~

I am so sorry. :( Right now you are going through so many emotions, and you will for a very long time. But I promise it will get easier. I can't tell you when, but eventually it will. I am glad you got to hold your son. He sounds like an amazing little boy.

Please know that we are here anytime. Again, I am so so sorry. :hug:

[christinerm]

I never thought that anyone could understand what I've just gone through, but so many women seem to have had this happen to them as well. This is my first time logging on to this site. My son, Zane, was stillborn at 34 weeks on December 13th, 2007 (just about a month after your son) with no explanation or known cause. I don't have any words of wisdom for you as I am seeking them myself at this time. I am going to write a message myself telling my story. I was encouraged to do it after reading your message. I think it will be good for me to get it out. Thank you so much for sharing.

Christine

[Patti]

:( :hug: I don't know if there are words. I'm so sorry. :hug: