Red Tent related: Your first experience

[cookiev]

After reading all the posts on "The Red Tent", I am going to add this one to my growing pile of books! I am loving the exchange of thoughts and ideas in those posts!

Some of you have mentioned your experiences about the first time you had your period, I am interested to know how it happened, what did you think, and what was your mother's/other female role model's reaction?

For me, my mother never sat me down to have "the talk", and all my information came from reading books that were placed strategically in the house (Mom knew I was an avid reader, I guess!) When my period started one day when I was 11 (the first week of school the year I started grade 6), I went a whole day before telling her. When I finally did, she showed me where she kept her sanitary napkins and gave me some.

That night I was lying in bed and she came in and said, "I think we better talk about this," and I said, "Oh Mom, I already read all the books," and she hesitated, then left.

I feel really sad about that. My mom and I don't have a close relationship today, and I know that that was part of it. It's not because we don't love each other, but it's very awkward and strained. If only I had let her come in and talk to me about this new beginning in my life.

I hated and dreaded having my period every month until I reached my twenties and made peace with it. Now that I have been pregnant and given birth, I value it for its purpose.



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Rebecca (27)
DH (27)
Devon, 12/06/99
"Lil' Butty" is 2!!

[Andrea_G]

I have very poor memories over my first several years after menarche. I had terribly unpredictable cycles from the start. I would skip a month or two here and there... once I had two periods in one month. This was a source of great mistrust from my mother. She must have thought I was pregnant several times (even before I became sexually active) And once even accused me of having a miscarriage when my period came twice in one month. I had only told her about that because it had scared me.

I do hope that my daughters do not inherit my hormone troubles and have reason to celebrate monthly. But if they do, I'll certainly be more understanding than my mom was.

But I have attended a "Red Tent"-like birth.

Last winter, I was granted the priveledge to gain my two birth requirements at a local birth center. The 2nd birth I attended was of one of the center's doula's. She had seperated from the baby's father and it was only women there. There were 2 midwives, the woman's mother, the woman's sister and no fewer than 7 doulas.

There came a point while she was pushing that she had become completely drained - completely. The labor had been going on 18 hours and they knew they were expecting a big baby. Pushing had been going on for an hour and this woman was so incredibly tired. It was 7:30 in the evening and her labor had started at 1am.

We all could see how drained she was and we all layed our hands on her. You could feel the power of that moment in the room. And she drew strength from us.

Shortly after that, the midwife encouraged the woman to stand and to use the bed post to hang on to as she pushed. Slowly, the head emerged. And then, the shoulders didn't follow. It was a very tense moment. But the midwife called for a change in position and in moments, they had the woman on the floor with her knees into her ears. It brought her pelvis forward and out came the shoulders... and then slowly the rest of the baby came out. All 10lbs 4oz of him!

It was amazing. And as we all stood around in the awe of the moment she thanked everyone and said that she absolutely could not have done it without the help of each and every one of us. It was an incredible experience.

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~~Andrea Genung~~
Co-Moderator of the Choices In Childbirth Forum (http://www.storknet.com/cgi-bin/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=9&SUBMIT=Go)
~~~Formerly known as Mom2MNMz~~
Pictures of my family (http://www.flash.net/~dagenung/portraits_001.html)
Wife of 10 years to David
Mommy to Matthew (http://home.flash.net/~dagenung/satisfyingbirth.html), born May 4, 1995 in the hospital, induced-medicated birth, Natalie, (http://home.flash.net/~dagenung/Nataliepics.html) born July 8, 1999 at a freestanding birth center and Morgan (http://www.flash.net/~dagenung/Morganpg1.html), born April 22, 2001 at home, waterbirth
Childbirth Teacher

"If we hope to create a non-violent world where respect and kindness replace fear and hatred, we must begin with how we treat each other at the beginning of life. For that is where our deepest patterns are set. From these roots grow fear and alienation ~ or love and trust."
Suzanne Arms

[This message has been edited by Andrea_G (edited 03-11-2002).]

[Jer]

Oh, WOW, Andrea-- that is amazing!! http://www.storknet.com/boards/smile.gif

I remember my menarche clearly. We didn't talk about it at our house, either, even though my mom is a nurse and might be expected to at least have a clinical view of these things. I was an avid reader too, and I'd already found 'Our Bodies, Ourselves,' so I knew what to expect.

It was February 8, 1987. I was twelve years old, and we were sitting down to supper. I went to the bathroom-- and my heart stopped for a moment. I called my mother, who was irritated at having to come right then, when she was fixing supper. She gave me a pad and showed me how to put it on, then left me alone. Apparently she went and told my dad, b/c when I went to sit down for dinner (feeling as though I had a whole wad of paper towels stuffed in my underwear-- it was one of thise Stayfree Maxis), my dad grabbed me and hugged me. I was soooo embarrassed! I did NOT want male interaction, especially from my father! He then went and bought me a little pennant with the words "Growing Up Princess" on it. http://www.storknet.com/boards/rolleyes.gif

It wasn't a terrible experience... but it wasn't all that positive, either. I'm determined to celebrate Rhi's when the time comes!

http://www.storknet.com/boards/smile.gif

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Jer
proud mommy of Rhiannon Rachel, 12/6/99
and a new little bug, EDD 7/12/02

[SusanH]

I was 12 and on vacation in Florida with my mom, her sister and my sister, who was swimming at a national swimming competition. We were driving home from a restaurant when I saw that there was a reddish-brown stain on my white shorts. My sister said, "Did you cut yourself?" and I said, "Um, no...." So we went back to the hotel and mom gave me some pads and my first lesson on cleaning blood out of fabric. All in all, it was very calm and practical, no celebration of any kind. So not terrible, but not all it could have been.

Andrea, that story is amazing! You are making me so determined to have a wonderful birth experience next time around!

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Susan, proud mama of Susanna Jane, 2/3/00
Co-moderator of Attachment Parenting and The Waiting Game
Childhood has it's own way of seeing, thinking and feeling, and nothing is more foolish than to try and substitute ours for theirs. - Rousseau

[marnay]

I was so young when I started, 9 and in 3rd grade! I started school late because of my Birthday so was always older than the other kids in my class.

It started one morning before school, I knew the basics so wasn't scared but wasn't happy either. We were not prepared with the correct supplies, all my mom had were super size tampons! So my father had to go out that morning and buy me some pads.

I didn't of course carry a purse in 3rd grade so had no where to put the pads.... I ended up keeping them in my sock. It was just embarassing for me...

I do hope my dd doesn't have such an early period, at an older age I think a girl looks forward to it.

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Naydene
Delaney 4/21/99
EDD #2 9/4/02

Delaney's Doggies! (http://www.geocities.com/marnaymastiffs/index.htm)
marnay1@earthlink.net

[LaraK]

I was such a late bloomer. I didn't get my first period until I was 15 yrs. old. I was about 4 months shy of my 16th birthday. In fact I felt so left out that I started to practice my tampons at age 14. After having a sleep-over my friends found my tampons and everyone was congratulating me on getting my period (they knew I was one of the last ones to get it) I got so caught up in the affection that I let them believe I had gotten it. So when the time came that I actually did get it, I had no one, including my family to celebrate with http://www.storknet.com/boards/frown.gif

I'm hoping to change this pattern with my own DD though!

lkf

[Caryl]

Lara, I was a late bloomer, too. I got my first period at age fifteen, and I don't remember much about it. I remember feeling relieved that it had finally come and I was, in fact "normal." I remember being excited and suddenly feeling so grown-up.

I don't really remember talking to my mom or anyone else about it when it happened, although I'm sure I let my mom know. I think I knew so much about it by then, I didn't really have any questions or concerns. I should ask my mom if she remembers anything about it. I do remember her talking to me about it around the time we expected it to come, when I was 11 or 12. http://www.storknet.com/boards/wink.gif

I think it would have been fun to have a small celebration with my mom, maybe my younger sister, and a close friend or two. Maybe my grandmothers, too. http://www.storknet.com/boards/smile.gif

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Caryl
Mom to Charon, 7/19/99
Co-Moderator for the Reading Circle and Heart of the Home Forums
"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."
--Annie Dillard

[Ursula]

All I can say is thank goodness for Sex Ed! Otherwise, I would have been very ignorant. My parents never had "the talk" with me. I was very much looking forward to my period starting. I had read Are you there God? It's me, Margaret and really thought my period was something to look forward to, something that would bring me closer to being a woman. I started my period when I was 11 years old. No one said anything good or bad about it, but I had such awful cramps (like labor pains, I now realize) and I hated the mess and bulky pads so much that I didn't have positive feelings about it at all.

I wonder if anyone could have made me feel better about the years of pain I had to endure from cramping. I loved every minute of my pregnancy (even when I was 8 days overdue!) but I wish there could have been a way to forgoe the cramps and the monthly inconveniece I have endured. If there is something I can do to make it easier for my daughter, I will.

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Ursula
Me: 35, Dh: 34 (7/10/93)
<font color="#FF850B"><font size=2pt> Dd: May 24, 2001</font> </font> <font size=-1pt>
9-1/2months old
She's crawling! HELP!!! http://www.storknet.com/boards/smile.gif
{www.picturetrail.com/ursulastork/499607}</font>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<font color=white><font size=-1pt>

[AquariJenn]

Naydene, I also started when I was 9 (in the summer between 3rd and 4th grade)!! You are the only other woman I "know" like me. Starting so early has always been a source of shame and embarrassment to me. I hate telling anyone about it.

I was such a tom boy and was out playing with my brother and cousins. I went in to use the bathroom and saw that my shorts were soaked with blood. I screamed for my mother. We were both in shock. I had an older sister, so I had an idea of what it was all about, but still...it was very traumatic. My mother did the best she knew how to explain it to me. I think she was sad for me and didn't really know what to say. She said, "you're a woman now." Let me just say that that was the worst thing she could have said! I had gone from a child to a woman in the course of an few minutes. I thought that from that moment on I could no longer play with my friends and had to start being/acting more mature and womanly.

I still feel like I missed out on so much of my childhood because of this. When I went back to school I no longer fit in with my friends. They were all children. They teased me about it. It wasn't until junior high that I started to feel normal and accepted again. I also started suffering from bouts of depression which I later figured out were PMS related.

I hope and pray that my daughter develops at a normal rate and that I can welcome her into womanhood properly without tears and grief.

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Jennifer
Co-Moderator Time for Mom: A Reading Circle

Mom to Katelyn Eileen (http://personal.lig.bellsouth.net/lig/j/e/jenneric/NovDec.html), since June 2000
Be the change you want to see in the world.
-- Mohandas K. Gandhi

[djk42]

I was nine too.. I was at church, and when I went to tell my mom, she said I must have hemorroids. :P I remember having to carry a purse to school after that, and the day the Challenger exploded I was sitting in the anteroom watching TV with a yellow pillow purse on my lap. I felt like a freak- I was in the lower grade of a split class and most of the older girls weren't even wearing bras yet, and here I was almost fully developed! The boys made fun of me, and I remember crying about it, and wishing I had sisters. I want to return to the ceremonial aspects for my girls.. it should be called a blessing instead of a curse.

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Mommy to Aren (1-98), Elizabeth (6-99) and Abigail (8-01)
Happily Nursing Three Precious Angels

[marnay]

Oh man ladies I am glad I wasn't the only early bloomer.... it was so emabarassing! I remember in 4th grade going to Camp Fire Girl camp, I was the only girl in my group who had pubic hair.... it was in CA during the water shortage and we had to shower together. I was mortified. I would wait until the older girls came in and shower with one of them.

Now somehow Mother Nature kinda forgot to give me the boobs and I only fill out a sweater when I am pg or nursing! http://www.storknet.com/boards/smile.gif

Oh and one other little nugget I learned, the younger you are when you start puberty the older you will be to go into menopause.... wonderful.... http://www.storknet.com/boards/smile.gif

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Naydene
Delaney 4/21/99
EDD #2 9/4/02

Delaney's Doggies! (http://www.geocities.com/marnaymastiffs/index.htm)
marnay1@earthlink.net

[Ursula]

djk42,

Okay, I know this is getting off topic, but you were in elementary school when the Challenger blew up?!? I was in college! Wow, I'm getting old.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ursula
Me: 35, Dh: 34 (7/10/93)
<font color="#FF850B"><font size=2pt> Dd: May 24, 2001</font> </font> <font size=-1pt>
9-1/2 months old
She's crawling! HELP!!! http://www.storknet.com/boards/smile.gif
{www.picturetrail.com/ursulastork/499607}</font>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<font color=white><font size=-1pt>

[Caryl]

Ursula, I was thinking the same thing! I'm old (35) too. And Naydene, does it also work the opposite way? Since my period came later than most, maybe I'm older than I thought. http://www.storknet.com/boards/eek.gif

Isn't it interesting what a variety of ages we've got here? And isn't it interesting that each of us on either end of the age range felt alone in her experience? If menarche was celebrated, I bet we would have been more open to it being an individual experience for each girl, with no "rights" or "wrongs," kwim?

Caryl

[Lisa Jo]

I remember with perfect clarity the feelings I had when I got my first period. I was 14 and DID NOT want it.... I don't really remember why. I was home when it started and I told my mom, who hugged and congratulated me. I specifically remember asking her not to tell my dad. It's a little weird, because I've always felt close to him - I guess it just felt like an intensely girls-only thing.

My mom had had a hysterectomy and the only supplies she had around were ancient pads that needed to be pinned on. http://www.storknet.com/boards/redface.gif We bought some new pads, but I remember being utterly mortified by a boy at school asking me "hey Lisa, what's in your pants?". For all I know, he was just being crude in a general sense, but I was certain he could see that hulking pad in my undies. I decided I was a tampon girl and we set out to buy some. I have a really poor memory in general, but I remember every detail of sitting in the mall bathroom as my mom stood outside the stall trying to tell me how to insert the tampon correctly.

I admit that my menarche memories have a distinctly negative feel to them. I hope to do better for Natalie and I love the ideas being discussed on the board.

(I too was in college when the Challenger exploded. I remember it like it was yesterday.)

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Lisa
My two precious kids:
Corey 4/15/93
Natalie 6/21/00 Barefoot beauty in her party dress (http://www.babiesonline.com/imagegallery/gallery_image.asp?p=%2Fbabies%2Fn%2Fnatalieelizabe th%2F700774%2Ejpg)

Moderator, Product Opinion/Review

[marnay]

Caryl, you know I don't know.... that's a good question. I know a couple of drs. told me that since I had started so young it ment that I would be able to enjoy the joys of my period for longer than normal... also that woman who wrote the menopause book that was on Oprah said the same thing.

I'm 35 now and pg, and this will more than likely be it for me. But hmmmmm you never know!

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Naydene
Delaney 4/21/99
EDD #2 9/4/02

Delaney's Doggies! (http://www.geocities.com/marnaymastiffs/index.htm)
marnay1@earthlink.net

[Cait]

I was 14 yo and I was SOOOO excited! I'd been waiting for it for what seemed like forever. (I think I'd read one too many Judy Blume books. http://www.storknet.com/boards/wink.gif ) I was all set w/all the necessary supplies b/c my mom has bought a bunch of stuff for me a few months before "just in case."

I remember telling my mom and I remember her lighting up and congratulating me.

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DH Joe
DD Madeleine Sinclaire 8-3-00
EDD 10-7-02

www.babiesonline.com/babies/c/caitolson (http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/c/caitolson)

[djk42]

Um, well, I graduated college in '99, right after Beth was born.. *shrug* If it makes it any better, my sil is three years younger than I am and her three kids are all 6 months older than mine.. We'll be young grandmas. *lol*

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Mommy to Aren (1-98), Elizabeth (6-99) and Abigail (8-01)
Happily Nursing Three Precious Angels

[HunnyBee]

it was embarassing. I remember a few things. I remember my Mom calling me to the bathroom when i was little saying get a pad from the closet(the bathroom was so small no cabinet could fit under the sink) And I asked what are these for? My mom said " a women bleeds every month" and shut the door. WHAT?!
the other thing I remember is my Mom folding my laundry at the kitchen table and said to Grandma "What this?" holding up my underwear Grandma said loudly and bluntly "Oh Sarah started her period"... not sure what my Mom said but, my brother and Grandpa looked at me. It all went down hill from there. http://www.storknet.com/boards/frown.gif It's a bad thing in my family... from there on if anyone female is in a bad mood Everyone assumes she's on her time. I hated it!!

(BTW, I lived with Grandma from 5yrs to 15yrs)

Okay, I think i was in elementary school to like 6th gr when the challenger blew up. http://www.storknet.com/boards/cool.gif

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Sarah
Audra Elizabeth Louise
16 mos (Nov 11)
AD USAF
Colorado Springs, CO

[novajet]

I was raised by my father, so his version of the "talk" was to have me watch a special on PBS and told me to ask my mother (I barely knew her at the time) if I had any questions. I was also an early bloomer and was 9 when I started menstruating. I was spending the summer with my grandparents and called my grandmother in to the bathroom. My brother thought I was hurt, and came running in instead. That part was embarrassing.

The part I remember the most was that I had a horrible misconception about the process. I thought it was a one-time thing! I remember being very disappointed when my grandmother mentioned having it every month. So, don't trust PBS to teach your kids! http://www.storknet.com/boards/wink.gif

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Nicole 27
DH Todd 28
Ashton Nicole (http://home.swbell.net/tneades/)~ Due 4/17/02
Co-moderator for Stork Club 2

[missmary]

I don't usually post here, but these stories have been so great to read. It's so sad to me how negative our experiences were. If I have a daughter I don't want her to feel the shame that I and so many others have felt. http://www.storknet.com/boards/frown.gif

My period started when I was 12. I never told my mom. Ever. Since I had an older sister, there were always sanitary products on hand. If not, I would buy them myself. I was ashamed. I feel like my mom dropped the ball on this matter. The thing is, that shame has lingered into other parts of my life. I have always felt guilty for growing up. Pregnancy, birth, and nursing has really helped me in this area.

I have always noticed that transitions have been the most difficult times in my life. The transition from girl to woman, teenager to young adult, high school to college, 8 centimeters to 10-- these times have always been so hard. They are all rites of passage, so maybe they are destined to be difficult.

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Mary-26
DH-27
2 boxers
1 parrot
1 sweet little boy!!Frank Michael (http://www.geocities.com/mfrfr/frankie4.html?983797592690/)
Born 1/17/2001 weighing in at 9 lbs. 3 oz and
20 1/2 inches long!

[Nancy]

These stories are so touching! I'm really glad this thread started. Andrea, what a beautiful birth story you shared!

Mine started when I was 11. It was over spring vacation and I was sitting in the sandbox playing at the park. Now there's a scenario... I really was still a little girl. I didn't know it had started until I walked home and went to the bathroom. My mother had given me a little book to read but hadn't talked to me about it. I came out of the bathroom, found her hanging clothes on the clothes line out back and said, "You know that thing you told me about? Well, it just happened." She gave me a pad and told me what to do. Tada... that was it. No ceremony, no big celebration, no happy talk.

I tried to make it more ceremonial for my daughter, who also started at 11. But after reading The Red Tent, I think there is so much more that could be done. I can see that you all will make the most out of this for your daughters.

Nancy, the oldest. http://www.storknet.com/boards/smile.gif

[Nancy]

Bumping this up again, hoping others will participate. Love this thread!

Nancy

[Caryl]

This is a great thread. Anyone else want to share their story?

Caryl

[David'smom]

I started the summer into my 9th grade, I think I was 14. I was taking tennis lessons (my mom's idea). I remember my mom had told me about starting. A couple of my friends had already started. Looking back I feel like my parents did a good job explaining to me. My parents have always been very open about sex/bodily functions. My mom had me read this book about my body. I had to wait until I started to wear nylons, shave my legs, do my eyebrows and wear heels. My parents always (Dad bough tme my first bottle of perfume and took me out to eat) made it like a cermony of passage. Now I was a woman. My mom did the same with my sister, but she sarted way earlier then I did. Overall I feel like starting was a positive experience and I hope to pass the same belief to my DD (if I have a girl).

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Susie
DH Luis
DS born 3lbs 3oz 2/25/1997 27 wks
EDD 3/10/2003

[techteacher1]

When I think back to my first period, it seems very neutral- neither bad nor good. I had read several books (Are You There, God? It's Me Margaret and Our Bodies Ourselves) and pamphlets (from feminine hygeine producers.) I got it when I was in late fifth grade, at age 11, I believe. I never did tell my mother, though she obviously knew. I have no feelings one way or another about it, though I do remember NOT wanting to be congratulated that I was a woman- since I SO wasn't one yet.

Should my next child be a girl, I don't think I will make a big deal, or be celebratory about it, unless the girl seems to need it or want it. I certainly won't announce it at Christmas dinner! Naturally I want her to be proud of what her body can accomplish...

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Lisa
husband- Jeff
son Cameron Jeffrey (06-01-01)
3 kitty children (Kyley, Ashley, and Robin)
Cameron's website (http://www.cameronbieler.com)

[franros]

It is interesting reading so many stories so I thought I would add my strange one. I was 12 when I got my first period. We were at my parents' friends house when I figured it out (earlier I just thought my undies got dirty somehow). I was in the bathroom and came downstairs to get my mother - to make sure that's what it was. My mom's friend set me up with a pad and by the time I got downstairs everyone (including my little brother) knew and was congratulating me on "becoming a woman." I was SO embarassed.

Here is the strange part. When we got home, my mom told me how my grandmother reacted when my mom told her she got her first period. She slapped her in the face! Apparently this was some Eastern European Jewish tradition that was supposed to "bring the blood back to your cheeks" and bring good luck. So then having explained this story, and not wanting to break tradition or miss an opportunity to bring me luck, she gently slapped my cheek. Well, at least she explained it first, which was more than my grandmother did for her unfortunately. I don't know that it brought me any good luck, but it was a ceremony of sort. I have only heard of a few other people who have done this and I still think it is sort of weird.

The only other thing I remember was the urge to check the pad constantly because I didn't know how much I would bleed and didn't want to stain my pants. My mother didn't like tampons, she wasn't sure they were sanitary and was afraid of us getting toxic shock sydrome. If I remember correctly, this was right around the time the newspapers were carrying all those stories of women dying from TSS.

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Francine-34
Alan-33
DCats-Jasper and Patches
m/c 2/1/01
Benjamin Isaac 11/21/01 - 2/4/02 (Pena-Shokier an unidentifiable disorder)

[This message has been edited by franros (edited 08-15-2002).]