My hopes have been squashed

[Irie]

My midwife was supposed to come over for my 30 week visit yesterday morning. Well, about an hour before she was supposed to be here she called with some bad news. She can't take my case now. The doc she kind of uses for back up (not officially since shes a lay mw) won't back my case. He feels that I have too much going against me with the diabetes and the VBAC. My mw said that she can't walk into this situation not knowing that it would turn out okay (as much as one could know that) so I am now the first client she has ever turned away.

I'm so upset. She said that I probably should go to a hospital for safety reasons. I know that shes probably right but its just really not what I wanted. I know that being in a hospital will mean that I have all the pressures from the staff. I'm young and docs and nurses tend to think that I don't know anything about what I'm going through. I've always been lumped into the "stupid teenager" group and it drives me nuts.

The thing that really hurt is when I told a friend that I didn't get to have my homebirth, she cheered. I knew that she didn't think a homebirth was safe (let alone a HBAC) but did she have to cheer? That really stung.

I do have the phone number of a mw that will work with more high risk type cases but I just don't know if I have it in me to fight anymore. I can't take another disappointment. Plus, I'm 30 weeks.. I'd like to get something figured out before this baby is born.

[smileyface]

Would your midwife considering going to hospital with you as a labor support coach? She could help with the pressures you my feel or fear regarding hospital staff during labor. You might be able to find a doula or another medical professional to work with you even though you go to the hospital. I know this forum is extremely supportive of home births (and so am I), but hospitals aren't the enemy. You can have a wonderful birth at the hospital. I do totally understand your concern though because of your age. I often get treated like a teenager (I look incredibly young) and it is very frustrated to be treated like I have no knowledge of anything. Good luck to you.

[hedra]

One door closed. BUT, that just means you may have to find a window somewhere.

So your options aren't within the usual boxes - hospital or home birth. You'll have to work out how to get what you need in a more challenging system.

BUT YOU CAN DO IT.

It IS possible to have a good hospital vbac. Even with diabetes. Even being 'young'. Set them up to respect you - tell them you understand that you are younger than average, but that you are neither stupid nor uneducated. You demand to be respected by your attitude - be patient but firm with their biases and teach them that they are wrong.

Ask the mw to come with you as a doula. Make sure you have educated, reliable support, so you don't have to worry about it. Heck, check your charts when you go in, so you can see if there is any commentary about your state of mind or any warnings about how to treat you. I found out when I got my medical charts AFTER brendan was born that they'd noted a mental health issue that has been resolved YEARS before - and that explained a LOT about their attitude towards me. Ask the mw what kind of info the staff will need to change their expectations about how to treat you, and see if she can put that in the 'transfer' chart...

It is not too late, by a long way. It is disappointing that you have to find a new path AGAIN, now. But you will find one, and it will be a good one, even if it wasn't the nice smooth one you hoped for.

Hang in there!

[Jer]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Don't give up. There's still time-- call that other mw. I know how hard it is, I know you just want to lay down and hope it will all go away. Sometimes I wished I could just quit and schedule the da**ed cs. But now I wish I'd kept fighting, even at 40 weeks. I wish I hadn't listened to that mw. I wish I hadn't gone to the hospital. I wish I hadn't given up and accepted the induction. I wish I had given my body a fairer chance to birth my son.

Youy can do this, you can have your birth your way. Please don't give up-- you won't regret it. I KNOW you can do this!!!

More {{{{{hugs}}}}} I'm wishing you the best birth experience possible.

[ArmyBratMom]

I too have always been in the "stupid teenager" catergory. It stinks that people treat us this way because were young.

I would callt hat midwife. Keep fighting for what you want.

[ubertulip]

Trust your gut!! If you truly believe you should go one way or the other, stick with it, whatever it takes. Make your choices based on love and not fear, whatever that means for you.

Be well!

[djk42]

At one time, a woman having her first child over age 25 was too old to expect a safe delivery. The doctors assumed that one or both would die, or there would be birth defects, unless they "saved" them both with a c-section. Now doctors are worried about young mothers "not old enough to know how to take care of themselves, let alone a child" who are older than that. Forget the age factor- age may bring wisdom, but not intelligence. Find someone who doesn't know how old you are (talk to them on the phone) and discuss your options if you need to! Remember that you employ that doctor, and you shouldn't get shoddy work for what you are going to shell out for this care- you should get the care you want and need, and if your needs don't preclude your wants, then why not have a homebirth? Your friend doesn't have to know about it. ;)