Need advice on how to deal with niece

[Huntersmommy]

Load me up with some advice and patience ladies!

We are off to the beach next week with the whole inlaw clan-including my 5 year old niece who has major discipline issues. They never used to tell her no and now that they do, they aren't consistant and give in to her whining. To top it off, my MIL will constantly undermine my BIL when he tries to discipline her(which mostly is some form of punishment timeout) while my SIL sits back and lets BIL be the bad guy.

Needless to say, I don't agree with most of their parenting decisions, but that's my issue not theirs. The thing that gets me is how jealous my niece is of my 2-year old. She is used to getting all of the attention, and anytime my in-laws pay attention to my son, she is right there trying to grab the spotlight. She has a younger sister, but my in-laws have always treated her like the queen, and her mother just kind of lets her mom take over when she's around.

I guess lately too, she has gotten into a bad habit of backtalking and disrespect. To her parents, to me, to everyone. She isn't all that fond of me because I treat her like I would my son, meaning, if I say no, and she doesn't do what she is supposed to (like clean up the toys she just dumped on the floor or yanked toys or hit, etc) I will take away the toy, or try to come up with some appropriate response. I don't feel like I can "discipline" her, but I do feel like my reaction can help. I don't want my son seeing this kind of behavior and starting to copy it though. And I also think this is a good way for me to learn how to apply some positive parenting techniques to an older child.

I'm babbling, but any thoughts on how to deal with her? I feel kind of sorry for her. But she can also get on my last nerve too. She whines like crazy when she doesn't get her way, which is not very often.

Thanks in advance.

Brenda

[KimMc]

Brenda-
I know you're in an awkward position...she'll be there, but so will her parents... If she's near your son or doing things with/to him that are inappropriate, I'd treat the situation as you have been- by 'disciplining' as you would your son. Then your son, at least, would see that he can't get away with that kind of stuff with you (with your IL's-that may be another story! :)) And also, maybe your SIL and BIL will then step up and act like actual parents to her instead of making you do it for them!

I would continue the way you have been -- because at least then you are consistent (with your son, and also with her)...

Did I make any sense?? -Kim

[Huntersmommy]

You did, and thanks for replying. I guess it's hard to keep my mouth shut too :) They are so non AP. I mean, they are buying a big thing for the top of their car because they have to bring all of the "stuff" for their littlest daughter-the swing, the saucer, etc. And they threaten spanking or they just yell at her and put her in timeout for a long time without doing a consequence that will matter to her. Ugh. I feel like letting her read my positive parenting book, but she wouldn't.

I guess it tests my patience, and I hate that. Plus, I don't like feeling like I don't want to be around a kid, which is how I feel around her.

But thanks for answering!

Brenda

[djk42]

Another thing to note is that many five year old girls go through a whiney, tattle-tale, lying, mouthy stage. It is a way to assert independence that cannot be totally blamed on the parents. They are testing their limits. If the stage continues into a behaviour or trait, then it is the parent's fault for not showing the child how to handle the situation, but even the best kids try these things out usually.

The poor girl needs your love. If you really can't give it (trust me, I know sometimes you just don't have it in you to give), try to play alongside instead of with her. HTH :)

[hunter]

I have a similar problem with many of my nieces and nephews. Remember that "discipline" originally meant to teach. The punishment aspect of the word is relatively new in the grand scheme of things! This little girl is not learning from her parents how to behave, but that doesn't mean you have to contribute to her ignorance. If she wasn't learning how to talk from her parents, would you stop talking to her? Of course not! You don't want to say, "Your parents are wrong in how they're raising you," but you certainly have the responsibility, as someone who loves her, to fill in the gaps when you're able.

She needs to learn to pick up things she throws on the floor, sooner or later. I have no problem telling other people's children to pick things up; if they have a problem with it, my answer is generally something like, "We each need to clean up after ourselves. It's not my job to clean up after you. If you don't want to pick up those toys, you need to go tell your mom that you threw them on the floor and that you don't want to pick them up, and have her come and clean them up for you!" Most of the time they know it's not going to work so they do it. I think I've had maybe two kids actually try it, and of course they were told to do it themselves!

[Huntersmommy]

Hunter, that's interesting that you used that example. The last time we were all together, she did what she always does and started dumping every toy in my MIL's house on the floor and not playing with it. (some of these are not safe for DS to be around because they are so small) so I asked her if she wanted to pick them up herself or have me pick them up for her. But I said if I had to pick them up, I would put them away and she wouldn't be able to play with them anymore. (Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that at that age, they should be helping do that kind of thing) and she didn't believe me. So I put the toys away and wouldn't let her play with them. She gave me a look, threw a tantrum and then everybody looked at me like I was some awful villian for not letting her get her way.

I agree it's not her fault. I sure didn't want it to sound that way, but she does tend to push my buttons :) But I completely blame her parents. And you are right, the punishment part just doesn't work if you don't teach them how to behave. I keep telling myself that I'm learning how to deal with problems early before I'm actually dealing with them with my own children.

I'm bringing my Positive Discipline for Preschoolers book and my Pocket Parent book and I'm going to keep them around "in case" they want to look at them. We'll see how that works.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. A whole week with the inlaws.

:)

Brenda

[SusanH]

But I said if I had to pick them up, I would put them away and she wouldn't be able to play with them anymore. (Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that at that age, they should be helping do that kind of thing)

We started doing that with Susy around age three, so I definitely don't think you're wrong! It works well, although I can foresee a time when she just says, "Fine, I don't want to play with it anymore anyway. You put it away."

[hunter]

We started doing that with Susy around age three, so I definitely don't think you're wrong! It works well, although I can foresee a time when she just says, "Fine, I don't want to play with it anymore anyway. You put it away."
We also started doing that around age three. And when I have to pick up toys, they get *locked* away, not just put back on the shelf. I rotate toys so depending on which box I decide to throw them in, it might be three months before they're seen again! :eek: