What do you say? Re:CIO

[NWORB]

I was at a gathering of friends this weekend and several of us have new babies. One friend mentioned several times that they have been letting their 4-month-old CIO at night now. She said, "last night it only took an hour and a half." My heart was breaking!

I am not a very confrontational person, but I was trying to give her information without sounding like a know it all (it's her first kid, this is my second). I told her that even the books that teach CIO say not to do it before 6 months, and she hadn't heard that before so maybe that'll help the kid out for a couple of months.

I just wasn't sure what I could say in that situation. I'm sure it'll come up again in the future and would love to be more prepared to give helpful advice that doesn't sound preachy, if you know what I mean. Anyone have any ideas?

[hunter]

I'm the first to admit that I am not very tactful about this issue! I would say that anything that requires my child to cry for an hour and a half is NOT working! :mad:

Also, I would say that parenting is a 24-hour-a-day job. Just because it's night time doesn't mean my child no longer needs comfort and security. Just because some babies learn to shut up doesn't mean they aren't scared to death! :(

[clover]

This has come up in my playgroup (though, not to this extent.) My first reaction was, "Oh, I could never do that. I just can't stand to hear her cry."

At the time, I couldn't say much else other than it goes against every instinct I have as a mom. But now, I'd offer her the book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution." Be honest and say that it will take a bit of time, but it helps to teach a baby good sleep habits without the use of crying. The mom might not realize that there are other methods out there and this suggestion might just help.

I wish I had more to offer but that's probably what I'd do in that situation.

[LawnGirl]

My newest thing that I say is when somebody mentions about letting their child cio I say that I cant stand to ignore a baby's cry. If they persist with "Well, he/she needs to learn how to fall asleep on their own" I say "If Andy was crying himself to sleep, I would most definetly comfort him"

:)
Jenn

[rareimer]

that really is a tough situation, i've come across it several times--and with my sister as well. i usually just say, "well i can't stand to listen to her cry, i like to meet her needs just as much at night as during the day." or something to that effect. i wish i could just say what i really think of CIO...but it's so hard to do it without sounding like you're calling them a bad parent... :(

i like LawnGirl's response. :)

[s-in-va]

How can people CIO?!?!

I mean, how do they know if the sheets haven't come loose and wrapped around the baby, or the bumper pad came loose, or the baby is hanging through the crib rails?!?! Hopefully when the baby stops crying it fell asleep and not something worse :(

[Carolyn]

I tell them...exactly what I think...I think it is bad parenting...

That I have read up on it extensively and that it has been found that it is cruel and dangerous...that there really could be something wrong and that it is irresponsible...I tell them that I am a parent 24 hours a day not just during daylight hours. That it is proven hazardous physchologically and I woulds never ever do such a thing!

None of it is to the child's benefit...I don't feel the need to "teach" a child to put himself to sleep especially not that way..it might be easier for me ...but easy isn't always better.

Seriously, I do tell them. At first I was reluctant but then I thought "heck, I should have the courage of my convictions" I believe in this very strongly...if they think I am a know it all or overbearing or wrong then so be it...I try to be tactful about it but I don't ever back down

Usually someone will back me up in a group...I am finding most people agree...I always start it off with "in case you didn't know"

I try to do it diplomatically...but if someone feels bad...so be it...they should...it's just plain mean.

[Mellymama]

I like lawngirls's response too!
I just tell people that I choose not to let my babies cry themselves to sleep, that I don't want them to feel abandoned. I also find that when I say "this works well for us" people tend to butt out.
I also tell them I want the last thing they remember before they go to sleep is love from their mama and daddy. Not sadness from crying in the dark alone. What kind of dreams would they have at night if that is how they went to sleep every night, I ask you?
We lie down to sleep with dd who is nearly 3, and people always have a problem with that. I tell them that I like to be hugged and cuddled, so why wouldn't my 3 year old?

[hedra]

There was a really good article on sleep training in our Montessori magazine last month. They discussed the different approaches (Montessori leans strongly toward supporting them to sleep, rather than forcing it in isolation, but doesn't strictly exclude CIO.) But they had a really good closing line (paraphasing): If the 'going to sleep' approach you are using isn't something you can look forward to doing each night, both of you, then something is wrong, and you need to look for other ways of handling it.

I also rely on the attachment research. Extensive stress periods without comfort cause premature pruning of neural pathways. And extensive isn't starting at an hour, it is starting at a few minutes. Unreliability in responses (responding to cries promptly at one time, and not at another time) also generates dissociation, and increased risk of mental illness in adulthood. Print out my mental health link in my sig, and give it to her next time you see her.

[jacbyrd]

I love everyone else's response here! I usually just say that mother's have a biological instinct to respond to their children's cry and if they are ignoring that, they are ignorning what God designed them to do.

[eviesmom]

This is one issue of parenting that sets me off and makes me very angry. I am, however, not a confrontational person and I try to make my point without being rude. I did leave a playgroup once because the attitudes towards CIO disturbed me so much. I am so lucky that I found an attachment parenting playgroup when we moved to Arizona :)