bravedoe
08-20-2003, 04:56 PM
Hello! I can't believe I just wrote this big long post, went to submit and it told me I entered too many of those daggone smiley things to go back and correct, so I did.........the WHOLE THING GONE :mad:
Good grief where to begin? FIRST, THANK YOU for still thinking of me. I took a break as I was hoping if I stopped posting negative things, I would get more excited about this pregnancy......not working!
As of Friday I will be 23 weeks! I know I can't believe it myself! I've had two u/s. The latest one I was 18 wks. Everything is checking out good. Baby has all 4 chambers of the heart, it beats like a drum, both arms, legs, and from what we could tell, all fingers and toes. Dh couldn't go so when she ask if I wanted to know the sex, I ask her to print off the picture of if, write it on the back, put it in an envelope and then I would take it home and share it with dh. Well, wouldn't you know, it as all curled up facing my back with the head right under by belly button, and it's butt down toward my hip bone. All you could see was butt crack and the bottoms of both feet! I tried to study it really heard but she quickly moved the u/s and said it was too hard to tell I would have to wait. She said she could guess but rather not.
As most of you know, I'm worried about the sex thing! A strong part of me wants another girl, only becuase I want all the hopes and dreams I had of Kaycee to be fullfilled. NOT that I want to replace Kaycee, I guess I just want what was taken from me. Also I want that excitment and joy back in dh. He so much deserves that father/daughter bond and love! I know after loosing my dad, it's a struggle! You don't realize what bond you do have being someones "little girl" until it's gone. Then again, I think maybe I'm better off with a boy because what if subconcsiously I feel I can replace Kaycee? I definitely do not want that as I will treasure her to the day I day regardless of what little time we had!
My weight sucks! I weight 2lbs LESS than I did when I was 40 weeks before!!!! My weight has ALWAYS been an issue for me but it's getting even more troublsome now. I know I'm not very attractive to dh. He say's I am, but I know what he sees when I'm naked and it's NOT very appealing!!! I also know that if we get to keep the baby, it will be worth it in the end. But what if the extra weight on top of the extra weight I couldn't get off before doesn't come off again!!!!
See this is why I quit posting. I feel so negative and I hate for you ladies to think badly of me. The counselor I went to a while back tried to get me to quit trying to please everyone around me and please myself but I just can't. I want everyone to be happy and love me. Just like my MIL. She has been in Japan since June, and returned the other day. Dh told her of the news, and he said she was happy for me. Key word....for me! It hurts me to know what I've done to him. I mean, we are doing sooo much better, but like any mother who loves thier child, when the child get's hurt so does the parent. I know she has other feelings and that's okay but I'm sad I hurt them. Dh hurts because he wanted to be apart of a "together" decision in pursing this again in OUR lives, and he did not get that opportunity. I DID NOT do this intentionally, but it was MY negligence that hurt him and his feelings of a life time decision in our lives together. I know that, and I struggle with that everyday. I also know if something happens again, I will feel it's my fault because of my negligence. How will we live with that??? How will I live with that???
I looked a baby things last week. I actually picked something up!!! My heart dropped to my stomach as I feel if I buy one thing ahead of time..............I'M DOOMED!!!! See again, negativity. I never use to be negative until Kaycee's death. Before it would make me mad with dh and his "what if this" "what if that' and now look......It's ME!!!! Again, that is whay I quite posting. How do I get more excited. I have days where I am, especially when I can feel lots of movement, but there are a number of days I'm not. I think of disappointment to everyone around me again, and what if I've ruined my life? What if I'm fooling myself to think I can do this and be good mother? And what am I thinking putting DH throught this at age 43!!!! He already rasied his child, why should he go through it again this late in his life????? Am I selfish??? I don't mean to be and I don't want to be. You would think with my head going in 100 directs my blood pressure would be in the 200's!!! Actually it's very low!!! 97/54. I'm always low any how, but to me that's really low. OB said it's good as my heart is not over working for the baby.....but heck, I feel maybe it's not working ENOUGH FOR the baby!
Well, I should go as I'm getting pretty windy! I'd like to post again if you don't mind. Again, I know most of you have told me before you don't think I'm nuts, and understand as you are going through it too, but that's me.....worried about you;)
Again, thank you for still thinking of me.. Take care and I will be back.
(PS. BEE-JAY thanks for inquiring about me!)
Good grief where to begin? FIRST, THANK YOU for still thinking of me. I took a break as I was hoping if I stopped posting negative things, I would get more excited about this pregnancy......not working!
As of Friday I will be 23 weeks! I know I can't believe it myself! I've had two u/s. The latest one I was 18 wks. Everything is checking out good. Baby has all 4 chambers of the heart, it beats like a drum, both arms, legs, and from what we could tell, all fingers and toes. Dh couldn't go so when she ask if I wanted to know the sex, I ask her to print off the picture of if, write it on the back, put it in an envelope and then I would take it home and share it with dh. Well, wouldn't you know, it as all curled up facing my back with the head right under by belly button, and it's butt down toward my hip bone. All you could see was butt crack and the bottoms of both feet! I tried to study it really heard but she quickly moved the u/s and said it was too hard to tell I would have to wait. She said she could guess but rather not.
As most of you know, I'm worried about the sex thing! A strong part of me wants another girl, only becuase I want all the hopes and dreams I had of Kaycee to be fullfilled. NOT that I want to replace Kaycee, I guess I just want what was taken from me. Also I want that excitment and joy back in dh. He so much deserves that father/daughter bond and love! I know after loosing my dad, it's a struggle! You don't realize what bond you do have being someones "little girl" until it's gone. Then again, I think maybe I'm better off with a boy because what if subconcsiously I feel I can replace Kaycee? I definitely do not want that as I will treasure her to the day I day regardless of what little time we had!
My weight sucks! I weight 2lbs LESS than I did when I was 40 weeks before!!!! My weight has ALWAYS been an issue for me but it's getting even more troublsome now. I know I'm not very attractive to dh. He say's I am, but I know what he sees when I'm naked and it's NOT very appealing!!! I also know that if we get to keep the baby, it will be worth it in the end. But what if the extra weight on top of the extra weight I couldn't get off before doesn't come off again!!!!
See this is why I quit posting. I feel so negative and I hate for you ladies to think badly of me. The counselor I went to a while back tried to get me to quit trying to please everyone around me and please myself but I just can't. I want everyone to be happy and love me. Just like my MIL. She has been in Japan since June, and returned the other day. Dh told her of the news, and he said she was happy for me. Key word....for me! It hurts me to know what I've done to him. I mean, we are doing sooo much better, but like any mother who loves thier child, when the child get's hurt so does the parent. I know she has other feelings and that's okay but I'm sad I hurt them. Dh hurts because he wanted to be apart of a "together" decision in pursing this again in OUR lives, and he did not get that opportunity. I DID NOT do this intentionally, but it was MY negligence that hurt him and his feelings of a life time decision in our lives together. I know that, and I struggle with that everyday. I also know if something happens again, I will feel it's my fault because of my negligence. How will we live with that??? How will I live with that???
I looked a baby things last week. I actually picked something up!!! My heart dropped to my stomach as I feel if I buy one thing ahead of time..............I'M DOOMED!!!! See again, negativity. I never use to be negative until Kaycee's death. Before it would make me mad with dh and his "what if this" "what if that' and now look......It's ME!!!! Again, that is whay I quite posting. How do I get more excited. I have days where I am, especially when I can feel lots of movement, but there are a number of days I'm not. I think of disappointment to everyone around me again, and what if I've ruined my life? What if I'm fooling myself to think I can do this and be good mother? And what am I thinking putting DH throught this at age 43!!!! He already rasied his child, why should he go through it again this late in his life????? Am I selfish??? I don't mean to be and I don't want to be. You would think with my head going in 100 directs my blood pressure would be in the 200's!!! Actually it's very low!!! 97/54. I'm always low any how, but to me that's really low. OB said it's good as my heart is not over working for the baby.....but heck, I feel maybe it's not working ENOUGH FOR the baby!
Well, I should go as I'm getting pretty windy! I'd like to post again if you don't mind. Again, I know most of you have told me before you don't think I'm nuts, and understand as you are going through it too, but that's me.....worried about you;)
Again, thank you for still thinking of me.. Take care and I will be back.
(PS. BEE-JAY thanks for inquiring about me!)